preciousblogger

and the wedding planning is progressing

2012-02-06T15:57:00.000-05:00

So the wedding planning is moving along. Progress is being made. We have sent out the check for the DJ, I have found my dress, we bought our rings (mine is a stunning number with diamonds!), we paid the deposit for the venue, our Reverend is officially a Reverend, most of our music has been chosen, and tastings have been set up. Seems like a lot, right? It doesn't feel like it. I am feeling a bit overwhelmed by how much there is left and a bit underwhelmed by the level of assistance I am getting from Chase. I know this is a chick thing, but it is his fault (okay, the Navy's fault) that we are trying to do this in under three months, so one would think I could expect a little more assistance.

Gripe session done.

I am in love with my dress. I am totally, completely, 100% in love with it. BUT! I am freaking out that when I get to the tailor, she will tell me that, because of the beading, it can't be altered as much as I need it altered. Ah!

We are also very excited because it looks like Amber will be coming to the wedding. We were worried that neither Rich nor Amber would be able to come, but apparently, Rich really wants her to be here! Voila! She is planning on being here.

In sadder news, we are assuming that Chase's dad, stepmother, and grandparents will not be able to attend. Both sets of people have very valid reasons for not being able to make it, but it makes Chase sad nonetheless. He is so excited about the wedding and the opportunity to stand before the people who love him most and say, "this is the woman I choose to be with for the rest of my life. This is the woman I love and want to share my life with." Of course his mother will be there, but having his wedding without his dad will be like me having it without my mom.

We are working on having a live video feed of the ceremony so that they can "attend" without actually being there because we know they want to be.

So much left to do, and it looks as though Chase may be gone for most of the time between the end of February and the week before the wedding (a week in port here and there). We are trying to cram everything in before then, but it is really tough. We are both excited about the menu tasting and the cake tasting we are going to next week, and we are trying to find a time for our dance lesson. It is quite the ride we are on, but we are making the most of it. I mean, let's be honest: how often do you throw a $10,000 party? Not that often, so we may as well enjoy it.

the holidays

2011-12-23T10:30:00.000-05:00

So this year, the holidays are tough. I am missing my mother and missing all of the quirky little traditions we had. But, I persevere. Chase and I made a lot of goodies to hand out this year, and we ate a lot of the goodies we made. Fudge and nuts and cookies. We also made some dark chocolate covered Candy Cane Jo-Jo's (Trader Joe's supplied the Jo-Jo's). It has been a distracting task.

Two days ago I bought the house. I am now officially a homeowner. I bought insurance and everything! (Well duh. I had to have homeowner's insurance before I could buy it) I am pretty excited about it, and I know my mother would be very relieved that everything is working out in that department.

We completed our first two projects yesterday: new blinds in the living room and mounting the flat screen Chase won at the Christmas party.

Speaking of the Christmas party, it was a very good time. We went with Phil and Chris and I was the driver. It was held at the Mystic Marriot: very snazzy. The food was awesome, and we are now rethinking the wedding location after seeing what the Marriot could do.

My man and I smooching at the party.

I am looking forward to starting new Christmas traditions, but I really miss the old ones. Chase is being a wonderful partner and is going to allow me to continue one of our traditions. Each year my mother bought me a new piece for my Lennox village and I always opened it on Christmas Eve. I will do the same thing this year. I am so lucky to have him. I have never known a kinder man with such a big heart. He is patient and good, and I adore him.

Adapting

2011-09-13T08:09:00.001-04:00

I am attempting to adapt to my new world. It is not easy. My days are long and empty, and my weekends are confusing. I am no longer working third shift taking care of my mother on weekends, and I am no longer running errands, adjusting covers, or fixing pillows. In some ways, this seems like a good thing, however, it feels very wrong to see it in that light. Dialectical Behavioral Therapy teaches us that two seemingly disparate things can be equally true at the same time. It teaches us that I can be mourning, depressed, and be desperately wishing for things to be the way they were, while still being hopeful about my future. This is a very difficult psychological truth to manage. How can I be hopeful? It feels like betrayal. It feels dirty and wrong.

My mother was my life. I worked Chase in around it. That sounds terrible, but I organized everything around caring for her. I planned my future career based on what I could do while caring for her. Chase and I planned our future marriage and family based on her dependence on me. What is my life and world now that the central focus of it is missing. I am really struggling with the dichotomous feelings and the scary, limitless possibility.

I think I also have a fear of failure. I was limited in my choices, and as such, failure was not even on my radar screen. The choices that were available to me were things I could do easily while caring for my mother. Now, I am not hedged in by restrictions to my schedule (other than making sure the dog goes potty), and I am a little afraid of what the real world will throw at me.

I have yet to have a day when I do not cry. Chase says it will be a while. I imagine he is right. I held it together and just floated through the days, not feeling much of anything, waiting for him to be allowed to come hime. Now that he is here, I feel safe in allowing my emotions to overwhelm me. I couldn't before. Needless to say, it is as though my mourning has just begun. The shock is finally starting to wear off, and clarity is seeping in through the cracks in my feeling of unreality more and more often. The last three weeks have felt like a dream with only moments of reality in them-- those are the times when I cry. I have been disconnected. In many ways, I fear becoming reconnected, but I also know it is important to my mental health that I get there soon.

Mom's service

2011-09-07T14:11:00.004-04:00

Here is the speech I am giving at my mother's service, reprinted in its entirity. I hope I do her justice.

I want to thank you all for coming today. It is no small comfort to know that my mother touched so many people’s lives, and that she was loved in so many people’s hearts.

In one of the articles published about her in The New London Day, my mom called me her “stoic, stiff upper-lipped girl.” And, to a degree, I suppose I am. It made her proud. She knew that, in me, she had created a strong, indestructible woman, who could take whatever the world could throw at her, and bend like a young tree in the wind, rather than breaking. But I think that what she never realized is just how much of that I inherited from her.

My mother was, by far, the more emotional of the two of us. But somehow, even with the tears she shed, she was that same young tree, bending rather than breaking. My mother was never broken by the adversity she faced. She lost both of her parents when she was in her mid-twenties. And yet, she soldiered on—racing to the top of the mountain that stood in her way. And later, after the accident that left her no longer able to run or climb up the mountain, she was still determined to find a way to get to the other side. My mother refused to be, in her words, “cloistered away in a nursing home.” She struggled each and every day of the early years to grieve her losses, to accept her changed fate, to continue living, and to continue on with as normal a life as she could make for herself. And when the bills were piling up and the mountain before her was one of debt which threatened her normal life in the community, which threatened to condemn her to a life in a nursing home, she and I came together as a team, and with my mother as the face of a movement, the state was forced to create a program that would allow her, and many others since, to remain in the community. Yes, even when the mountain’s grade became too steep for her wheelchair, my mother would figure out a way to downshift and make it to the top. And this is what she has taught me: life does not stop. Sometimes, in all of our lives, there are experiences and moments that are so deeply tragic and painful that we might wish it would, but it doesn’t. The world keeps on moving outside our doors and we must move with it. I can thank my mother for who I am today, and for creating in me that stoic, stiff upper-lipped girl that she was so proud of, the girl who moved from young adulthood to adulthood in awe of her mother’s strength and courage in the face of more adversity than most of us will ever happen upon in our lives.

Much can be said about my mother’s valor and audacity, as she struggled to be all she was and could be with diminished physical capacities, and many of you know the woman in the wheelchair, but today, I want you all to know the woman inside the woman in the wheelchair.

Erma Bombeck once said “When your mother asks, 'Do you want a piece of advice?' it is a mere formality. It doesn't matter if you answer yes or no. You're going to get it anyway.” I was the recipient of this truism countless times over the last 36 years. I cooked Easter, Thanksgiving, and Christmas dinner every year for 17 years. Yet, a year ago, my mom was still giving me advice on how to hard boil eggs, and five months ago, she was still telling me how to cook a turkey. I couldn’t talk to my fiancé on the phone in front of her without her advising me on how to be more politic with him. “Men are delicate,” she told me, “and you have to remember that.” My mother was more involved and invested in my life than is probably the norm for most women my age—a function of our situation—and so many times, I rebelled against it. Today, as I look back, I am grateful for that peculiar, possibly co-dependent, but gratifyingly intertwined life we led together.

I took care of my mother. For the last 17 years, I have been by her side, feeding her, dressing her, changing the channel and brushing hair out of her eyes; I have attended to every conceivable physical need of my mother’s. What I never realized is that, though it felt like role reversal to me, I was always still the one being cared for. In a cruel twist of fate, I never recognized how much mothering I received on a daily basis until it was no longer there. My mother watched me struggle and grow, and never left my side. She inspired me to make some of the hardest decisions of my life, and she was there to give me strength when disappointment made me weak.

I stand here before you today, railing against a world that would take my mother from me so suddenly, just as both of our lives were finally coming together. My mother’s financial concerns were finally behind her, and my beautiful future was beginning. And while I cry out against the unjust nature of the fates that have stolen the coming years from us, I am grateful that she got to share in the past few years of my life.

She worried about dying. We all do, but one of my mother’s secret concerns was what would happen to me if she died. Over the last two years, I think she was able to stop worrying—well, as much as a mother ever stops worrying about her child. She breathed a sigh of relief when she saw me complete my graduate degree; she swelled with pride when I became a published freelance journalist; her heart filled with joy as I found love. We spent countless hours over the last six months in wedding talk, and though my mother’s vision for my wedding was not quite the same as mine—she is a little bit country, I am a little bit rock and roll-- she took heart in the fact that I found a man who would take care of me and who I could take care of—she took comfort in the fact that, through her love and his, I had become what she had always dreamed I could be, from the moment she first knew me.

My mother never thought anyone was good enough for her daughter—her only child, but she thought this one might be. As she came to love him, and as he came to accept what loving me meant—that she and I were a package deal-- my mother was finally able to relax, knowing that I would not be alone without her. And that is a great consolation to me. She dreamed of my wedding and she dreamed of holding her grandchild, and though she will not be physically present for either of those things, I know that her spirit will be in me and around me and that she will continue to inspire me and comfort me and teach me throughout the coming years that I now have to manage without her by my side.

The beauty and marvel of our world is that energy cannot be destroyed. That which is in us merely moves on to find another home in this grand universe. This is the fundamental nature of science, of my faith and of my beliefs, and so I am comforted today by the thought of my mother’s energy flowing all around me: never ceasing, omnipresent, and full of love.

I am the one who now has the mountains to climb. The path before me is rocky and the incline is steep, but I will soldier on—her stoic, stiff upper-lipped girl-- and with her as my inspiration, I will crest that peak, and come out the other side, stronger for the lessons and love she gave to me.

eulogies and discovery

2011-09-05T10:40:00.000-04:00

This week, I wrote my mother's obituary and her eulogy. This is something I rationally knew I would have to do one day, but emotionally, I was unprepared for the overwhelming enormity of the task. How does one eulogize his or her mother? How does one wrap up every moment of a life in one tight, neat little package? The tasks were difficult ones, but ones which led to many realizations about my mother and myself.

It is, perhaps, the most difficult process of self-realization that I have ever undertaken to experience. The world has shifted without and within, and it is, at present, a world I only vaguely recognize. I have come to see the life I lived from a different perspective, and it is a perspective I wish I had accessed many years ago. All my complaints and resentment ring hollow now. All our fights seem trivial and selfish. How big a deal was it to change a channel or not get a nap because she needed something, now that I no longer have her to do those things for? I kick myself for never seeing things from this new perspective, and now, it is too late for the relationship we might have had. It is almost as though I never knew my mother, until today, this moment, as I reflect on our life together.

I am comforted by these new revelations, but a little afraid of them too. In my immaturity, I never recognized what a gift I was given, and that gift has inextricably altered me. I am not sure who I will become now, but I will have my mother to thank for whoever that is.

a small comfort

2011-09-01T08:06:00.000-04:00

Chase called at 5:45 this morning. He is on his way home to me. I don't know who did what, or how the decision was finally made, but I am grateful to all those who helped me get to this point. I was really uncertain as to what I was supposed to be doing on a daily basis. Most of my days were spent moving, but not accomplishing anything. I pace. I pace a lot. I fluctuate between sitting and crying and trying to keep moving through the days. But mostly it is meaningless motion, to just be moving. I guess moving means I'm still alive, and that is something to keep in mind. I know that I need to go forward. I know that I need to continue my life. My mother would want me to do that. She would not want me to wallow in grief until I drowned. Nonetheless, the truth is, I have been feeling like I am drowning.

Everything has been so overwhelming. It has had the effect of halting any potential progress. I am so overwhelmed with the necessities of dealing with my mother's service, estate, and the legal issues, that I have had no time to take care of myself. I a sense, I have been allowing my emotional state to deteriorate in order to handle the essentials. People want to mourn my mother and move on with their lives. I am not ready to do that, but I know others are. I need to get a service planned. I have to write a speech and a biography for the Everlasting Memorial, and I have to allow others to do what I cannot do at this point.

I have been trying so hard to hold the tenets of Buddhism close to me. I have been trying to remember the impermanence of everything as well as this thing that I currently call "me." It has been hard. I can't meditate. My mind will not settle for long enough. My thoughts are constantly in that room, 40 feet away. The door remains closed, but I know what is in there. I know there is the bed that killed her, and I know the memories are there too.

Chase's presence will help. I will be able to share the burden and hopefully start to deal with the trauma and the grief before it swallows me. I am feeling so much relief right now. I hate to burden him with it, but I will. He has been my rock, and I know that he will continue to be. Truly, it will also be a comfort to have him here because he is the most important thing in my life. He gives me the reason to move forward.

I also need to mention Ben. In the past 9 days, since it happened, he has been here. He has come by each day and checked on me. He has given me company when I was feeling incredibly alone. He has been the best friend I could have asked for. I didn't know how good a friend he could be, and I love him for it. While I was performing CPR, I asked my mother's aide to call him. He was here before the paramedics left. He did not leave me that day. He went through the hardest experience of my life with me. He was by my side as I said goodbye to my mother for the last time at the hospital. He was there as I cried and held her cold, dead body in my arms for the last time. I hope, one day, I can find a way to pay him back for everything he has done for me. I don't think I will be able to. The magnitude of his gift to me has been too great to repay.

My mother, Barbara Kohl, 5/8/48- 8/22/11

I am a writer

2011-08-31T16:38:00.000-04:00

I am a writer. I write. And yet, I cannot find the words to talk about the past week of my life. I am erudite and loquacious; I am verbose, yet words escape me utterly. I want to be eloquent and say everything so that history records my mother's passing beautifully, but I cannot.

On Monday, August 22, 2011, my mother passed away. Her death was a terrible accident that never should have happened. I will not commit to this document the horrible manner of her death, but I will tell you all that I am haunted by it. I carry incredible guilt, though I am told it is normal. I did try to resucitate her, but was unsuccesful.

This has always been my outlet for joy and anger, frivolous complaints and diatribes, but today it is my outlet for sorrow. I was traumatized by the event of her passing, and I am at a loss as to how to proceed from here.

As I look back over my posts from the past six years, they record a mother very different from the one I remember today. My mother was a brave woman who struggled with a significant disability, and with her own inner demons. What I realize now, far too late, is that the one thing she never strayed from and never lost was her love for me. I spent many years resentful of my role. I spent years resentful of the life I had chosen. I would give the next twenty years of my life to be in that same role today.

My life was inextricably interwoven with hers. Every moment of my life and all my decisions were centered around her care and keeping her safe. And then, in one moment, I failed her.

She confessed to me, before her last surgery in June, that she was afraid of the surgery because she was afraid to die. She said that she wanted to be at my wedding. I told her she was being ridiculous and that she would be at my wedding. Now she will not be, and I cannot do anything to change that fact. Her love for me was boundless; perhaps it still is. My faith does not truly allow for that possibility, but if I skew my beliefs a bit, I can hold on to that thought. I want to believe that somewhere out there in the universe, my mother's love is still there in her energy, and that I will have that in me for all time.

Normal. Everyone keeps telling me I have to get back to doing normal things. I have tried. I try to continue to comment on friends' posts on Facebook, I try to go to pool. There is no joy in any of it. The problem, simply stated, is that normal no longer exists. My normal was running errands for my mother. There are no more prescriptions to pick up; there are no more doctor's appointments to take her too; there are no more gallons of milk to pick up at the store. My normal was taking care of her. I no longer turn her every hour and a half; I no longer bring her a drink; I no longer change the channel for her. My normal, though foreign to most people, has become extinct. I have no more normal..

The legal issues are piling up, as is my anxiety. I may lose my home of 15 years. I have no career, no savings, and a mountain of debt. I am struggling each day. My mother was my life, and now, I don't know who or what I am anymore. My identity has been ripped away, and what is left is unrecognizable.

I am informed, by well-meaning people, that I should look at the positive; I can live my own life now, instead of helping her to live hers. I do not want that. I want to help her live her life, and I would give anything to change what occurred in my home on last Monday morning.

I am glad for one thing. I am glad that I gave her 18 years of my life. I am glad that I did the right thing, regardless of how I struggled with that choice over the years. My mother was a beacon of hope, and a hero to many, but especially to me.

I wish I could talk to her one last time to tell her how sorry I am for the struggles in our relationship. I wish I could hold her and tell her I am sorry for not hearing her as she yelled for help. I wish I could kiss her face and wipe away her tears, and tell her everything I ever kept secret from her. I wish I could hear her voice one more time...

Take a moment to tell the people you love that you love them. Tell them the secrets of your heart. Hold them close to you and kiss them. Our moments in this world are fleeting, and we never know when our time upon this earth will end. Do not waste a single precious second of it.

Halfway, cousins, portcall

2011-08-21T10:47:00.000-04:00

So we are officially beyond halfway. I am not sure exactly how I have made it this far. I have to admit that it has been easier than I imagined it would be. This is not to suggest that it has been easy. It has been far from easy. I have spent many days feeling totally sorry for myself and not wanting to do anything other than lay in bed. Nonetheless, I imagined that I would be completely miserable the entire time he was gone. I honestly wasn't 100% positive I could stand this six month separation. I was about 90% sure. But I know that I can make it the rest of the way. We have about 84 days left and I think I can manage. I am very disappointed that his port call in October was cancelled. Apparently a lot of idiot wives were talking about where and when it was going to be, and posting things on the internet. Dumb. Just dumb. So now I am stuck wondering when, where, and if they will be pulling in somewhere. It is also about two months until a port call would happen. This is going to be the longest I've gone without hearing his voice or seeing him via Skype, so I'm a little nervous about how much I'm going to miss him until they either pull in somewhere, or come back home.

Yesterday, my cousin was in town with her partner. I love them both so much, and I always miss them. I got some great news: they are thinking about getting married! Now that it is legal in NY, they are considering it. After 16 years, they ought to. They are both so wonderful, and I sometimes have a hard time deciding who I love more-- my cousin or her partner! It was also really interesting to see how much my cousin continues to look more and more like my grandmother. I sometimes joke that she might actually be my aunt instead of my father's cousin. It really is uncanny.

Chase just had a port call in Diego Garcia, and it was wonderful to be able to talk to him. He makes me feel really guilty though because he has been working out a lot and is looking amazing, and I have not been, and am not looking amazing. He took some great pictures while he was there:

This is a photo he had taken of himself as they were pulling in to port. They have to have guys topside who are armed just in case something were to go wrong. I can't imagine that happening, but I guess it is good to be prepared for any eventuality.

Here he is relaxing after a month out at sea. He deserves it. I cannot imagine the monotony of seeing the same people 24 hours a day in such a tiny little space. It would unnerve me, and eventually I would probably start yelling at everyone. So this was a little well deserved R&R for them.

And finally, here is Chase playing football with a coconut on the beach with Phil. Phil agreed to marry us, and I am looking forward to getting him ordained so he can do it. They have the most adorable bromance going on right now. While I was Skyping Chase, Phil came into the room and they got into this conversation (about what is sort of personal to Phil, so I'm not going to go into detail) and Phil said to Chase "That wouldn't work 'cuz I already told her you're my best friend." It was so adorable. Then they started talking about making a fort out of the furniture and bed sheets. Boys. So funny. They get bigger, but they don't really grow up.

As you can see from the previous post, Chase made his own wedding ring. I told him he had to make me one too. I love the idea that our rings will be homemade by him. It really was a labor of love. They will match each other, but won't match my engagement ring. I don't care. I will adore every second of wearing my handmade nickel/copper wedding band. I can't wait until the day I put it on as his wife. He can't either. He is so excited about the wedding, and is even becoming a bit of a groomzilla. Even more adorable. I love that he is so happy about it-- he didn't have a wedding the first time around, so this time he wants to go all out. I want him to be happy so I'm willing to do whatever he wants. Seems like a bit of role reversal, but I am just content to have him by my side on that day. Whatever we have or do will be perfect.

Rings!

2011-08-16T13:31:00.002-04:00

My fiance made his own wedding ring! I love him.

Wedding plans, deployment, and diplomas

2011-08-09T10:05:00.001-04:00

I can't believe it's already August. I'm thankful that it's already August though. Tomorrow will be August 10th and that means I am halfway through this deployment thing. I am now counting down the weeks-- officially it is about 13 weeks left. In between though, I have a lot of empty, lonely time to fill. It is very difficult to get into a partnership only to have your partner leave for six months. I have been dealing with a lot of typical garbage in the past few weeks-- things breaking, wearing out and such, and it's been stressful. I have sent some awful emails, and some very apologetic ones. Sometimes it is hard not to blame him for the struggles I encounter and have to deal with without him. I know this is silly, but it's the reality of the situation. My friend Shana says "you feel like a one legged man in a three legged race." She is absolutely right.

Pool has been keeping me fairly busy, as have my mother's repeated trips to the hospital for surgery. As a quadraplegiac, she is very susceptible to skin breakdown, and that is what we've been dealing with. A lot of it. She is finally having to break down and get a hospital bed. I know this is depressing for her. It is a reminder of how different her life is now than it was. I am a little sad too because it sort of reminds me of her mortality.

But in a couple of weeks she will be back in school and working. That is always a good thing. It keeps her occupied and it keeps her mind engaged. It beats the heck out of the boring, day-in-day-out monotony of having to stay in bed until her surgical site is healed.

I've been doing some wedding planning on and off. Sometimes, it seems impossible to get anything done because we don't have a firm date, and I just give up. Other times, it seems that March (or April) is closing in fast, and I am motivated to really get going. This morning I completed the ceremony which I adapted from a fabulous service I found online at a blog I love (another blogspot piece of brilliance). Find the original here: http://monkeymindonline.blogspot.com/2010/08/buddhist-wedding-service-in-western.html . I am really looking forward to having a wedding in the Buddhist tradition. It is important to me, and since Chase doesn't care one way or the other I am thrilled to get my Buddhist inspired ceremony.

I also completed work on the text portion of our ceremony program. It was fun to plan it all out and see the finished product. I can't wait to marry the love of my life. I recently asked him (via email, of course) when he knew he wanted to spend the rest of his life with me. He responded that it wasn't a moment. He said the big adventures and moments give you the wake up call-- the push in the right direction-- and that our vacation together last year, and the surprise day trip to NYC played a part, but that ultimately it was the little things that made him want me for his wife. I thought it was wonderfully sweet, and I think he is right. In his words "......really to spend the rest of your life with the perfect person takes many little things. Big moments kick you in the right direction, but it’s the small things that strengthen your heart." Oh babe. I miss you.

So aside from all of that, my job hunting is not going precisely as I had hoped. I did finally receive my diploma in the mail though, and that gave me a push in the right direction. I am more motivated to find that dream job than I have been for a while. This economy is sucking the job market dry. It isn't pretty.

progress?

2011-06-07T09:52:00.000-04:00

I am officially a graduate with a Master's degree. I completed my thesis and am waiting for them to mail my diploma. It sounds like progress, but I'm not feeling like it is. I have applied to every community college in the state, and nothing. I recently spoke with my old college professor about what I need to do, but I'm procrastinating about doing it. Grrrr.... I also have a blown transmission on my car, and my computer recently kicked. In other words, it doesn't feel like progress. I am attempting to be optomistic and to think that everything will work out the way it should. Things are not terrible. I have a car I can drive, I have a job that pays me fairly well, and I have a fiance who loves me. I am in a much better situation than many people in the nation at this terrible economic time, and I try to remember this. Fairly soon I will get off my duff and apply all the advice I was given, and hopefully find myself my dream job. Cross your fingers!

deployment

2011-06-01T08:43:00.000-04:00

Oh geez. Three weeks into deployment, 25 weeks to go. Yes, Chase deployed on May 10, 2011, and is not due back until November! I can't believe I'm willing to wait! It seems amazing to me, but indeed, I am. I am going to wait (probably impatiently) and wait, and when he gets back, we will have our whole lives together. Well, at least until his next deployment. Wedding planning has been keeping me busy, and that is the goal folks: stay busy.

This week, he has been in Cyprus, so I have been able to talk to him each day (sometimes multiple times), and I've been able to Skype him. Allow me a small divergence from the topic-- Skype is brilliant. Okay, back to my point: I love the fact that I can see him and his hotel, and his face, and I can tell when he's exhausted (or drunk) from the look on his face. I find it incredible.

Anyway, while he has been there, he has been having some fabulous adventures, and I am very envious of him. He got to go to see an archeological site of Roman ruins. It had a bath house, and mosaics and the gorgeously executed columns that Romans are famous for. I wish I had been there, but I'm glad he got to experience it.

So I'm missing him, but I am planning his boxes. I figure, I have time to send him four boxes while he is gone. That is a much smaller number to count down from than 28 weeks, or 190 days, or what have you. As long as I get the first one out within the next 6 days, he should get it at his next port. He wants me to send brownies, but I'm not sure how that will work. We're going to give it a shot, but I'm not holding out a ton of hope that they will still be good when they get to him. Finalizing box one means three to go. I can do this. I can.

continuing with the wedding theme

2011-04-08T11:06:00.001-04:00

Here is the list of songs I am currently considering for our first dance song. (Chase is making his own list, and then we will combine and decide)

Fidelity by Regina Spector
I Love How You Love Me by Neutral Milk Hotel
18th Floor Balcony by Blue October
Sweet Child O' Mine by Taken by Trees (an excellent cover)
The acoustic and regular versions of Collide by Howie Day (this is "our song," so I tend toward it)
I Will Love You by Fisher (it's a little bit of a downer though)
Unchained Melody by Il Divo or by U2 (both are great covers)
Painting by Chagall by The Weepies
1234 by Plain White T's
Anyone Else but You by The Moldy Peaches
Answer by Sarah McLaclan

And then there are the more typical ones:
The Wedding Song by Paul Stookey
Longer Than by Dan Fogelberg (love me some Dan Fogelberg)

So this is my list, and what I'm thinking. I like them all; it's going to be a tough decision.

All sorts of things, and a bit of a rant.

2011-04-08T10:59:00.000-04:00

I've recently been browsing possible locations for a reception, and possibly a wedding too, since Chase isn't really into the church thing. I can't believe the prices. They are absolutely outrageous. I do have a friend at a local casino who is willing to attach his discount to our event if we hold it there, but they only do weddings of 100 or more. I don't want a wedding that large! Chase would be okay with it, but I can't imagine spending that kind of money; it seems like a waste.

I've recently been listening to quirky love songs in preperation for a "first dance." Definitely going to need some lessons to make that happen. I've discovered a great cover of "I Love How You Love Me," by Neutral Milk Hotel. Listen to it here: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=z5RMrlfpf18 . I am also a little in love with the song made popular by the movie Juno-- "Anyone Else But You," by the Moldy Peaches. It is so cute and fun-- just like us. I am still completely in love with "18th Floor Balcony," by Blue October; it is a song that really makes me think of our courtship and how we fell in love. What a great song.

I'm also really frustrated with our government. Too be more specific, I should say that I'm furious with the republicans who are lemmings to the Tea Party. I can't believe they are holding up budget discussions based on their desire to cut funding to Planned Parenthood. They claim that their supporters do not want public money to go to pay for voluntary abortions, but public money does not pay for that. The money PP gets from the government goes to preventative services like cervical cancer and breast cancer screening; it pays for low income women to have pap smears and annual exams, and for them to get birth control. Go republicans. Now we can have a bunch of women with cancer who are also pregnant with children they cannot afford, and do not want. Great plan. Hold up the pay to the military so that you can manipulate the American people. Keep my fiance from paying his child support and car payment so that your propoganda can continue. You are sheep, and follow blindly what your donors tell you. I am disgusted.

changes

2011-03-28T23:08:00.000-04:00

I am getting used to the idea of being engaged. I still use "boyfriend," more often than "fiance," but I'm getting there. And it is strange to say, but I actually feel different. I feel able to acheive anything I try, and motivated to try, at the same time. I've always believed that love is not two people who "complete" each other as we all swooned over Tom Cruise confessing, but rather, love is two people who are whole, but make each other better by their partnership. Chase and I do this. We make it possible to be everything that is possible, and to believe that to be so.

I am feeling very content with my life, and I am not even dreading deployment as much as I was. He makes me realize that I can handle anything the world throws at me, and really, in comparison to the rest of our lives, what is 6 months?

joy

2011-03-16T21:34:00.000-04:00

So my world is complete. On Friday, March 11, 2011, Chase asked me to marry him. Okay, let's be honest: he didn't actually ask. He asked me what I wanted to do to celebrate, and I was clueless. I said "celebrate what?" and he replied "you saying 'yes'". I was ecstatic. I still am.

It is so strange to be talking about getting married. After all, I was talking about this three years ago too! I could say a thousand things about the last time, but I think I'll just focus on this one. This is right. Chase is incredible. He is such a good egg. Not only do I love him, but I am in love with him too. It is a miraculous idea that he feels the same way.

I love my ring. It is gorgeous. Probably way more expensive than I would have approved of, but I'm not asking because it is so beautiful. Every time I look at it, I am reminded of how completely blissful I am.

I sit here contemplating six months without him. Ouch. I don't know how I'm going to make it through, but I know I will, because at the end of that time, I will become his wife, and he; my husband. I think that as long as I stay focused on our future, and the fact that we have our entire lives to look forward to, I can spend six months planning a wedding, and knowing I am loved from afar.

I think that in some ways, it is very positive-- sad, but positive. Because he keeps going out to sea for extended periods of time, and now deployment is coming, we never have time to take each other for granted. Familiarity breeds contempt, as they say, and when he ships out for a month (or six) at a time, familiarity is lost. So I'll stick with absence makes the heart grow fonder, and be my loyal, faithful self, waiting patiently for him to return,

Okay. Probably not that patiently.

speaking of anniversaries...

2011-02-04T20:51:00.000-05:00

This is a video I made for Chase for our one year "anniversary." I sent it with him when he went out to sea last month as a little surprise. Please note: Not appropriate for my parents or children!

New Year's, birthdays, and anniversaries

2011-01-15T20:50:00.001-05:00

Christmas came and went-- finally. My grandfather came for Christmas dinner, and Chase and his kids were here too. It was really nice, even though I was exhausted.

Chase was on leave, and we spent a lot of time together leading up to his birthday. Of course, his birthday also happens to be New Year's Day.

We started New Year's Eve off by going up to Foxwoods to the party there. My student organized the whole thing, so I really wanted to stop in and be supportive. It was a great time, and we got a couple of drinks comped. The hats were fun, and the free $10 drinks were great too.

I love this picture of him. He is absolutely adorable in it.

After we left Foxwoods, we headed over to Stacy's to spend the rest of the evening with her and Ben, and some other friends of hers. A great time was had by all! I had my handsome boyfriend to kiss at midnight when the ball dropped, he has his girlfriend to kiss as midnight turned the evening into his birthday, and then we all went outside and set off fireworks!

As you can see, we had a major fireworks fail, and almost set the house, the neighbor's house, and the woods on fire. It was excellent, and the laughing you here is a combination of Ben and Chase-- both of them were in hysterics.

And here is a lovely photo of me, but I'm laughing because I know Ben is in the back with a photo bomb!

Cutting cake on New Year's Day with my 31 year old boyfriend. We got him an ice cream cake from Coldstone Creamery, and even though he had initially said he didn't "need" a cake, he ended up glad that he had it. Please note that on his wrist, he's wearing one of the Christmas presents I got him.

Anyway, the holidays are over, and Chase went out to sea shortly after the new year. He's out for a month, and I miss him, but I know that having him is worth it. He is a special guy, and I adore him. I am so lucky to have found him, and to be with him.

Today is January 15th, and it is our first "anniversary." We weren't "official" until March, or, one could argue that we were official when he told his mother I was his girlfriend, but we don't think that it matters. We were essentially a couple from the moment we got together. And a year later, I'm glad we did. He makes the sun shine a little brighter in my world.

the chaos of Christmas

2010-12-18T23:08:00.000-05:00

Things have been very hectic around here. Getting ready for Christmas is like trying to herd cats. There are far too many things that I have to do, and that probably won't get done in time. Finally, I have the Christmas cards done! That was hanging over my head, and I was stressing about it. Another bright note: my shopping is almost done! I had planned to get it all done while Chase was out to sea, but that didn't happen. I almost succeeded, but, alas, not so much. I did manage to get dog pictures done, and most of my cards made!

These are the photos I used for our cards this year. They are absurd, and I love them! Truman is such a character; I couldn't ask for a more entertaining, boisterous, energetic, goofy friend.

Tomorrow is a busy day too! Chase and I are going to church. Yes, you heard right. The atheist and the agnostic are going to church. Unitarian Universalist though, so it's far less dramatic and weird than it sounds. I'm excited that he is going with me. My spiritual practice is exceedingly important, and I'm glad I'll be able to share that with him.

After church, he is going to spend some time with his kids, and then we are going to make boxes (I am in love with my Sizzix) and spiced nuts to package up. There are way too many people that I have to make these for, and I'm stressing about that too. It is a crazy time of year, but I'm glad I have Chase back from sea, and that I can spend it with him. He makes it seem far less tumultuous and chaotic. He balances me very well. And nevermind that he makes me laugh. He is wonderful, and I am so lucky to have him.

fun in the city

2010-12-05T09:51:00.000-05:00

Yesterday, I took Chase down to NYC. He had never been to the city, and had never been on a subway. I told him, back in October, that he needed to give me a weekend when he didn't have the kids and didn't have duty. He originally said the first weekend in November, but I knew the tree at Rockefeller Center wouldn't be there yet. So he told me he could do it the first weekend in December. I started planning.

I can't tell you how hard it was to keep the secret! I wanted to tell him so badly! It wasn't just that I was excited about taking him, it was also a matter of pragmatism. After all, New York is a huge city with a million things to do-- each more interesting than the last-- so how was I supposed to decide what would be the best choice! I decided to bring the tour book with us, and I handed it to him on the train, telling him he had some choices to make.

It was really quite funny. He didn't know where we were going! He had asked me how long we'd be in the car for-- I said about an hour. Completely true-- it wasn't my fault he didn't ask how long we'd be travelling for. As we were coming over the Q bridge, he jokingly said, "we're going to the train station, and going somewhere on a train," because he saw the sign for the train station... I just kept my mouth shut as he laughed at how "absurd" his idea was. He finally figured it out when we went into the train station, but he asked if we were going to Boston. I said "no!" and he guessed NY. Yay! He was pretty excited.

Here he is on the train-- once he finally knew what was going on. New York is much easier to do as a day trip than most people think. An hour and a half on the train, and you're there! Easy, and you don't have to deal with the chaos and expense of trying to park in the city. I love Metronorth, and I love the "shopper's special" that they run on weekends-- only two stops between New Haven and Grand Central!

We ran into lots of famous people while in the city! Chase got to meet Sponge bob!

We walked sooo far! Note to self-- Do NOT walk from Times Square to FAO Schwartz! My legs are killing me today!

Here is Chase with Atlas in the background. We were standing in front of St. Patrick's Cathedral when I took this. What a beautiful Cathedral, and Chase and Atlas are quite the pair!

His first time on a subway! I was so glad to be able to be with him for this expereince, although, none of the cars we were in were filthy, smelled like pee, or had homeless people sleeping in them. He didn't really get a taste of the NY subway system.

Good thing he can read a map so well! I do terribly trying to navigate the subway system. He easily figured it out-- I love his ability to grasp the physical world so perfectly. Give him a single look at a map, and you'll never be lost.

Once it was dark, we made our way through the mob of people at Rockefeller Center, and after I had a little chat with some random woman about whether or not to be rude to the people at the railing, I asked them in my sweetest way, if they would mind moving so we could get our picture taken. The woman I had been talking to, took it for us. A little blurry, but it's beautiful. I adore him, and our time together. He is wonderful. He is patient and kind, and enjoys sponteneity. Sometimes, I think-- a little fantastically-- that everything we have experienced in our lives, and our relationships, was necessary in order to make us perfect for each other. He is an amazing man, and I am lucky to have him. But, of course, he's lucky to have me too.

Earlier in the day, Chase took this picture of us from Fifth Ave, looking towards the Empire State Building. He is addicted to his camera, and I'm glad for that. It means I end up with lots of wonderful tangible memories.

One of my favorite things, was all of the window displays along fifth and sixth avenues. The department stores go crazy trying to create the most elaborate Christmas window displays! They are overwhelmingly inventive and interesting. Walking along and seeing all of the amazing decorations was one of the things that I was unequivocable about. I insisted that we do that, and I'm glad we did. It was wonderful. It was really incredible to have the day with him, even if he did walk me into planters and strangers and buildings as he dragged me along by the hand. A fun, romantic day was all I had really wanted, and it is exactly what I got. A bonus was what a great time he had in the city for the first time.

Truman, Chase, and the near future

2010-09-04T12:04:00.000-04:00

Truman is handling his treatment well. 15 days to go, and he can begin slowly returning to his normal, wild ways. It has been nerve-wracking to watch him struggle to stay within the strictly regimented routine we have developed for him. His typically high energy self is going stir crazy. I can't blame him. I also can't wait to get him back to the beach and let him run. I can't wait to watch his greyhound form running along and into the water with his husky endurance, and his retriever lust for life. He is a truly beautiful animal.
Life has been blissful, but it's about to get boring and lonely. Chase has been around for the last month and a half, and we have had a few minor complications, but essentially, all has been dream-like. His ex-wife has caused as many problems as she was able to-- a combination of her mental illness (I'm fairly certain I've figured out what is going on with her, and it isn't pretty), and her personality-- and we had a small interpersonal issue, but we persevered. I know he struggles with how difficult she makes things, and I worry about what she is doing to his children emotionally. So does he. They are sweet, beautiful kids, who should have the opportunity to just be kids. Unfortunately, she seems to make that difficult.
As I said, otherwise, all is blissful. He loves me. I don't think I have ever felt that, or believed it, so completely, in all my life. It's a miraculous feeling to be accepted for exactly who you are, faults included. He is a wonder.
I think about the things he says to me, and I marvel at what he tells me he loves about me. It's like all the things that drove Shawn crazy, he adores. It is a very different feeling. I was considering a couple of the fights we have had and I was thinking about how incredible it is to not be yelled at and berated throughout the entire thing. It is refreshing to have an argument that is a real discussion. No name calling, no dirt hurling, no low blows. Just a "I didn't like this; it made me feel this way," legitimate conversation. It's also amazing what a transformation people undergo when they are not feeling defensive all the time, and not worrying about being attacked.
So my life is changing for the better, thanks to him. I feel good about myself, and the direction I am heading. Part of that is the security of being loved for me, but part of it is that, with him, I am a better person. A relationship should never be about two people coming together to make themselves whole. If you need someone to fill those missing pieces, then you shouldn't be in a relationship in the first place. But, a relationship should makes two whole people, better. It should make them shine, and let them be everything they can be. He does that for me. I hope I can do the same for him. I've told him, I don't know how his previous women could have let him get away. He is generous, selfless, and kind. I've never met a man so attentive and considerate, who wasn't gay.
Tuesday, he goes out for 40 days. It is pretty good timing; after all, I am about to start working six days a week (finally! Some real money!), and the dog is going to need a lot of exercise to build his stamina and fitness back up. At the same time, I'm going to miss him. It does give me an opportunity to get some things done that I've been meaning to tackle, and I'm going to work on them. Plus, I will be heading back to trivia (finally) with Angela, and back to weekly dinner with Ben. It's been too long, and I miss them both. So, though I'm going to be missing him, I will be busy, busy, busy, and will be dreaming of those first moments when I'll be back in his arms. Hopefully, it will fly by, and his arms will be around me squeezing me tightly, and I'll hear his voice in my ear telling me how much he loves me, before I know it.

Here's a beautiful picture of him with Zachary, who I also miss terribly! If only Amber and Rich would have left him here with me... But I have plans in the works to have one of my own, so I will probably survive! Damn Rich and Amber for moving and taking away my favorite playthings: Z, Shasta, and Kenny. I miss them already! And it's three whole years before I have the five of them back. Argh!

Niagara Falls

2010-08-25T10:32:00.001-04:00

So we made the 7 hour drive with no fighting, no screaming, and a number of belly laughs. I'm not sure I've ever made that drive without some sort of fighting before. Maybe not fighting, but aggravation or annoyance. Yet, somehow, Chase and I did it with seeming ease. Most of the thanks can be laid at his doorstep. He spent the drive taking goofy pictures and making me laugh.

We went camping at the Grand Island KOA. I love camping (as blog followers will know) and was sort of despairing of going this year. Now Grand Island is where my father grew up, and our campground was right next door to Fantasy Island, an amusement park my father worked at as a teen. It was interesting to be there, and see the area since I hadn't been there before-- to my recollection.

Our site was perfect. It was away from most of the other campers, and it was a bit larger than the other sites. We managed to get set up without too much ado, and began cooking dinner. Nothing like a meal cooked over an open fire. LOVE IT! And of course, the campground was perfect for me-- running water, hot showers, and heated pools. Also surprising: not many screaming children, as we were away from all the chaos.

As you can see, we were absurdly happy. This is actually one of his favorite pictures-- I'm not terribly fond of the face I'm making, but I do look incredibly happy.

This is a shot of Canada on our first night there. Chase took it from the observation deck on the American side. After dinner, we hopped in the car and drove down to downtown, parked by the casino, and walked down to the state park in time to catch the fireworks. Very romantic, although Chase thought we were about to die. There was a man of Middle Eastern decent standing behind us, and at one point, he starteed counting down. "5... 4... 3," and Chase, being a typical military guy indoctrinated to the War on Terror, thought "Oh my God, he's going to blow up the observation deck." Really, when they live that life, can I blame him? Needless to say, when the man got to 3, the fireworks started, and the man said "I guess my countdown was a little off." Being completely UN-indoctrinated to the paranoia accompanying the War on Terror, I never even noticed. I just noticed the beauty and majesty of the falls, lit up by the spotlights from the Canadian side.

Bad hair, but happy as a clam on the observation deck with my beautiful boyfriend.

We crossed the border into Canada after a trip to "Smokin' Joe's," a reservation store and museum in Tonawanda. After wandering for a while, and checking out the casino, we had lunch at "The Secret Garden," which served sandwiches on croissants. Really tasty. We had the chance to plug in the camera and recharge the battery while we were there, which was good since Chase is a bit of a picture addict.

Here is Mr. Wonderful at the falls. I love this picture of him, and the backdrop is incredible.

Clifton Hill is full of crazy, Vegas style fun. We walked it, window shopping and laughing about all the wax museums and haunted houses.

It was HOT. It was so hot and humid that we ended up collapsing for a bit on the lawn of a beautifully, meticulously manicured park, under an ancient maple tree. I could have napped here, but he wasn't having any of it. Off we went to more adventures.

Aw... This was a moment etched into my memory. The mist was falling on us; the sun was shining; the rainbow was sparkling behind us, and my gorgeous boyfriend kissed me. Bliss.

Off we went to "Island Adventure," which offered go-karts and mini-golf. I'd never been on a go-kart before, and it was remarkably fun. That's me in the background.

After a full day of walking, and walking, and walking, we retreated to the comfort of our campsite. After a swim in the pool to relax our aching feet and muscles, Chase spent an hour trying to start a fire with wet wood. In the process, there was a great deal of swearing, and he managed to burn himself. But, the evening turned out to be lovely. He got the fire going (my hero), I cooked dinner, and we made s'mores. I accidently drank a bottle of wine though, so the next day was UGLY!

On Sunday morning, we took a ride by my father's elementary school. I took a photo on my phone and sent it off to my dad. Nostalgiac for him? Perhaps.

In the horrible humidity which did nothing for my hangover, we made our way down to the Maid of the Mist. By the end, we were both awed and soaked. It was incredible. The power of nature never ceases to amaze me.

As I said, awed and soaked-- but happy.

Then it was another jaunt across the Rainbow Bridge into Canada. Marineland was the destination of the day. A truly amazing place where we discovered that Beluga Whales can blow spit rings (sort of like smoke rings, but underwater), which they then play with! So incredible to contemplate how much like us they really are... I'm reconsidering my old vegetarian ways.

Then, because we can't be still for a moment, we went to my cousin Tim's for a drink before heading off to dinner with him.

My cousin Roy stopped by while we were there. It was wonderful because I haven't seen either of them in almost a decade!

And then, off we went, back to Canada. We got as lost as the GPS would allow, and made our way down to the falls again to see the fireworks. Chase was a little peeved because I didn't want to get out of the car-- we were parked illegally with the hazards on, and I was still struggling with the hangover from hell. The humidity hadn't allowed me to get ahead of the dehydration. Nonetheless, we got to see the falls at night one last time, and enjoy a romantic moment under the exploding reds and yellows and blues.

The night turned out to be more exciting than I anticipated when a brief, but wild, storm blew in, in the middle of the night. Chase likes to say there was a tornado, but not really. There was however a huge thunder and lightening storm, which was directly overhead, and some impressive sustained winds that threatened the integrity of the tent. I knew there was a reason I bought a Swiss Gear. It held up like a champ, and once the storm blew through, we celebrated not dying, and cleaned up the water that had come into the tent when we lost part of the rain fly.

Monday morning. Our last moments on Grand Island. After breaking camp, we drove over to see the house my father grew up in. Then, we headed out to buy some cheap gas on the reservation before heading out to see Sis and Carol.

Carol made us an amazing brunch, and we had some great conversation. Chase and Sis seemed to hit it off, and I frequently caught them deep in conversation. I was so happy to see Sis and Carol. I adore them, and they live FAR to far away for my liking.

The drive home was great. We laughed a lot. Chase discovered my weakness when it comes to full sugar, caffeinated soda plus exhaustion. I turn into a five year old on pixi-stix. Driving down I-87, I was screaming "Sugar," and talking to a frog he won for me about all my "relationship problems."

He kept me laughing the entire drive. I love how quirky and funny he is.

Finally, it was home to my wonderful dog. This is him finishing off a huge dog treat that Chase picked up for him in a quaint little shop on Grand Island.

It was a magical four days, and we both had an amazing time. We discovered how much we mean to each other, and got to have a few precious days without the rigamarole of daily life. Neither of us will forget the intimate moments we shared, the revelations about each other, and all the incredible memories we made in the incredibly romantic region.

All the news that's fit to print

2010-07-12T21:18:00.000-04:00

Things are unusually pleasant in my life right now. Despite my mother returning to her old ways, and my dog being significantly ill, I am happy. Don't get me wrong, I am enormously angry at my mother, and incredibly worried about my dog, but overall, I am quite content.

I never imagined that I would find myself dating a navy man. Growing up in Groton, "the submarine capital of the world," navy guys were not looked upon with a great deal of respect. It was simply a stereotype that we all sort of believed, though not many of us knew navy people. The ones we did know, through work or socially, seemed to fit the profile, although, I have to admit, I knew navy wives more frequently than I knew navy men. The navy wives, with the exception of Samantha Grove, all were the stereotype-- cheating, morally lacking, ignorant, asses. Since then, I have only met two women who don't fit that mold. Both are happily married to their navy guys, and don't strike me as the cheating types.

Enough history, and culturally enforced ideas. As I said, I find myself happily dating a navy man-- a guy who leaves for long periods of time, and is married to his boat. I sometimes say "wtf!?!" What can I say about Chase. He is sweet. He is attentive, and he is a good person. He is also smart in all the areas I am a dummy in. So while I spend my time philosophizing, and analyzing people, and considering all sorts of useless to reality stuff, he is stopping leaks on a sub like MacGuyver, and seeing the geometry and physics of pool innately. Amazing.

Through this, I have managed to remain friends with Shawn. Most people find it strange, but when I think of the fact that I am still friends with Jim's parents, four years after he and I split, I assume it's just in my nature to maintain important relationships in whatever form they may present themselves. He is worthy of that maintenance. He is a good man, and a good friend. And though I think Chase sometimes finds this difficult, he accepts it. And that is the most marvelous gift he could give me.

lot's of new happenings!

2010-04-14T17:12:00.000-04:00

About a billion things have happened since I posted last, and it's impossible to recall all of them. First, and perhaps the biggest change is that Shawn and I split back in October. At the time, I was devastated, but I see now that it was the best decision for us both. We were co-dependant, and it never would have worked in the long run. And at least we can remain friends. It would have been awful to lose my best friend too! In the meantime, I have started dating a lovely guy; a real gentleman, and a good egg. Here's a picture that Angela took of us:

Angela and I ran into each other after seeing each other only once in about eight years. She is also related to Dylan and Jessie (some kind of cousin). So it's fun to spend time with her! She and I went out to dinner a few weeks ago with both the kids, and had a great time.

Still no progress on the teaching job front, and my car is horrifically broken right now. In other words, I am broke, broke, broke. But life isn't all about money, as the dharma teaches us, it's about compassion and loving kindness.

Truman is still the most excellent critter ever, and Shawn still sees him 3-4 times a week, in fact we just took him to the beach today (in Shawn's car of course, since I have a blown head gasket)-- he had a blast!

New, old pictures

2009-10-26T11:03:00.001-04:00

Loading up a bunch of pictures from Shawn's computer that I transfered before reformatting his hard drive, I found these....

Harkness Park: November 2007

Jessie with mat burn: January 2008

Jessie with her Easter egg: this was a great evening, and Dylan is a fabulous egg artist.

This is Clark. One of Todd and Renee's goats.

Pizza night at Friendly Pizza in Montville.

From left: Shawn, Bev, Little Gherkin, Pickles, and Hal.

Brynn at Karaoke: The Seahorse in Noank.

We went with Jim (not my ex: her husband), and Shawn.

That's it for now, I have an article to really get moving on... Fun times.

Dylan and I

2009-10-24T13:19:00.001-04:00

Oh my goodness! Why do I look pregnant? Good Lord! Is every picture a bad one? Anyway, at least Pickles looks handsome as always! He is my very favorite young man! Always good to see him when he's home from school.... Keep plugging away at Organic II, Pickles!

nap was a bad idea....

2009-10-18T21:12:00.001-04:00

So it's nine at night, and I'm not even close to tired.... I really shouldn't have taken that nap. Truman is very worked up tonight, he didn't get to go for his "constitutional" today because it has been pouring. Of course, if it hadn't been raining, I don't know that he would have gone anywhere anyway-- I was soooo tired! I even skipped church this morning! I felt a little guilty; everyone there is really nice, and there is this lovely gay couple who I adore that I really missed seeing.

Shawn didn't feel bad about skipping out since he was at the retreat yesterday, the sangha that sponsored it is part of the church, so he figured it was just about the same thing. I guess the retreat was really great, the man who led it was formerly Thich Nhat Han's translator-- I did not realize this when he signed up to go otherwise I would have been all over it-- He also lived at Plum Village for seven years, and has started an intentional community in New Hampshire. We are talking about checking it out.

He's really tired and a bit morose today... probably the spiritual let down after the retreat. He's off to bed early tonight, which is good because he usually stays up late.

My cousin Sis, visiting a few weeks ago. Her resemblance to my grandmother is remarkable! She's got those Native American cheekbones clear as day!

So the face she's making here is not the greatest, but she looks just like my grandmother!

I absolutely adore her. Of all the cousins I have, she is my very favorite! Her partner Carol was with her when the came to visit (stayed at my grandfather's), and I just totally love her too. They are just the perfect match for each other! I wish I could see them more often, a few days before they go to Carol's daughter's on Long Island are not nearly enough!

hummus and naps

2009-10-18T12:16:00.000-04:00

I am absolutely exhausted today. Completely, utterly exhausted. Submitted an article to an e-zine this morning; we'll see if anything comes of it....

I am making hummus. I made some last week, but I wasn't pleased with the way it came out. It tasted fine, but I wanted to try and "soup it up" a little. So I am currently roasting some garlic, and I bought a different kind of oil to try. I'm going to use sesame and olive oil this time. I figure the sesame oil will add a little of the tahini flavor to it. I bought a nice loaf of wheat bread that I'm going to make some little toasts out of as well. Shawn was very excited when I told him. He does love his food.

I need a nap, so when the garlic is done roasting, I'm going to crawl back into my bed, and snooze away. It is raining and gross, so it is the perfect day to nap away. Of course as far as I'm concerned, any day is an awesome day for a little snooze. Napping is almost like a hobby for me. I am the world's best napper; after my dad of course-- he wins the world's best napper contest hands down. Also, I haven't had a nap in a while-- other than in preparation for Friday nights, but that doesn't really count.

Tomorrow, I have to go to the town hall, and see if I can figure out what the heck is going on with their web site. The principal at the middle school desperately wants me to sub there, but there is no way to submit the app online. The BOE HR says the applications are only online. What gives? I mean WTF?! One guy says they don't have enough, but you can't apply!?!

WTF

2009-10-17T17:17:00.000-04:00

Reformating Shawn's hard drive and reinstalling the software. Here's what peeves me: His computer offers me the option to use the FAT file system instead of the NTFS!!! If NTFS is preferable, why in the F are they offering that to me.... crappy American computer.... And the company sent us the wrong software! I had to do a bit of scrambling in order to make it work..... What a frickin pain!

Afternoon fun

2009-10-16T17:14:00.001-04:00

Shawn and I took our "son" to the park today!

He had a great time with the other dogs, and ran his part-greyhound behind off!

On the right is the resident dog park cutie-- all the ladies talk about him!

(Not me honey!) I love having the dog park around the corner, it is so convenient, and they've done a really nice job keeping it in good shape. Truman saw his friend Roscoe while we were there, and there were puppies everywhere! In other words, it was a nice day all around.

Now, if only I was a little less tired... Up all night tonight since I'll be doing third shift for my mother... Yikes, I've been up since 5! Cest la vie! I'll get to spend tomorrow in bed: Shawn is going to a Buddhist retreat at Senexet house up in the NE corner.

Oh happy day....

2009-10-16T13:10:00.000-04:00

Laundry and stopping at the grocery store-- I forgot to buy luchmeat and a chicken while I was there the other day. My mother has gotten it into her head that we need to have chicken soup. She wanted me to just cut up some frozen breasts, but I thought, if I'm gonna do it, I'll do it the right way. You have to boil the chicken in the water to get the authentic flavor...

Made quinoa last night with chicken (chicken, chicken, chicken), it came out pretty well-- I keep telling Shawn that we don't have to add meat to it-- quinoa is a complete protein-- but he's English. Close enough to Irish to be a meat and potatoes guy I s'pose.

Did I upload this one already? This is me at the Hygienic Gallery (New London-- awesome gallery!), the night of the holiday show-- sold two pieces!

How in the world do three people make so much laundry. Oh! Kathryn, the neighbor, just got home, gotta go say "hi!"

Good morning my deer!

2009-10-16T05:27:00.000-04:00

I was out back, waiting for the dog to do his thing, and what did I spy? A little mama deer, and her baby. Now, granted, the baby is probably 5 or six months old by now, but he was still very little and cute. Still had a little smattering of spots! Unfortunately, that is when the dog noticed them, and went ballistic! He scared them off, and they went bounding into the woods. I think he probably annoyed the neighbors too, a barking dog at 5:00 in the morning is not a welcome sound....

I have to go out today, and buy a pumpkin. We cannot be pumpkin-less for Halloween! That would be a terrible travesty.

Pictures from New Orleans....

2009-10-15T17:26:00.002-04:00

So here's a bunch of pictures I never uploaded after our trip to New Orleans last year. The conference (what I remember of it) was okay, and it was free-- NCIL paid for me to go since I was a speaker. I love being a speaker at conferences!

Tracy and Shawn. Nice hats.

The balconies are amazing.

There are a lot of working poor and homeless though--significantly more so since Katrina.

The Spanish/ Catholic influence is very clear. Before New Orleans became French, it was a Spanish colony. Once it became french, and the slave trade kicked up, NOLA saw an increase in Haitian influence which led to the widespread practice of Santaria and Voudoun (Voodoo). While we were there, we saw many Voudon and Santaria practitioners. I wanted to make an offering at one of the huge altars, but Shawn wouldn't let me. He was totally spooked by it!

Officially fall

2009-10-15T17:05:00.000-04:00

Yes, it is officially fall! The first "snow" of the season! Great. This is almost better than stepping on tacks. Snow before Holloween; can anyone deny there is a problem with the fricken' planet now?!?

New tattoo?

2009-10-15T10:27:00.000-04:00

I'm considering getting a new tattoo. I like the idea of: إن شاء الله I think it really fits. God Willing is right. (’in shā’ allāh). It'll have to wait until the new year though. If I don't get that one, I may supplement with:

(om)

Just some random thoughts from my head here this morning.....

church

2009-10-15T06:48:00.000-04:00

So it probably seems weird that I go to church. An atheist isn't supposed to do that. I am, however, nominally, a practicing Buddhist so I so have a spiritual connection to something.

The Unitarian Universalists call themselves "a liberal spiritual congregation" and they mean it. Christians, Jews, Muslims, Earth-based religious practitioners (we have a few Wiccans and Druids), Agnostics, and Atheists are all in attendance on a Sunday. We gather to renew our spirits and gather strength from the community in our quest to "heal yourself, help heal the world," as the UU motto goes.

And I think we do. The minister, Carolyn Patierno, is a wonderful and inspring woman who beautifully melds all the different faith and spiritual traditions found within her assembled congregation. She is animated and spunky, and makes you question policy, lifestyle, and all those choices you make on a daily basis.

Each Sunday, we read the names of our war dead, in Iraq and Afghanistan, and though I do not agree with pulling our troops out and cutting our losses, I sit for a moment, as the names of people I will never know (I hope) are read aloud, taking it all in, and trying to comprehend the enormity of the loss that finds the families. I say "I hope" because I have an ex-boyfriend who is in the marines, and I wonder each weekend if I will hear his name read aloud. I have checked the lists, and he is not on them, but I still worry. It is a little strange to think about a man I haven't spoken to in 12 years in terms of hoping he isn't among the dead, but I think the wars are not real to you until someone you know dies.

I attend the weekly sangha, seeking the moments in between the breaths, of peace, and a glimpse of nirvana. It is calming and restorative. To explain, Buddhists take refuge in the "Three Jewels:" The Buddha (no explanation needed), the Dharma (the teachings of the Buddha), and the Sangha-- the community of Buddhist practitioners.

Trying to be in the moment between the breaths is like trying to herd cats. I have sought and sought that moment, only to really see it a few times. Practice makes perfect, and it really is all about the practice!

Job Hunting

2009-10-14T15:52:00.001-04:00

So the job hunt is not going particularly well. Although I do have a lead on doing some SAT tutoring through a company out of Clinton. I've been trying the whole freelancing thing, sent a bunch of things out, but have heard nothing yet. Not all that surprising, sometimes you wait weeks, if not months, to have them tell you, thanks, but no thanks. I have gotten a few rejections; nothing helpful in the "no" though.

Went to church this weekend with Shawn, and the HalBev, Carolyn wasn't on the pulpit though, so it wasn't the greatest service ever. I love my church-- UU's are the best. "Are you an Atheist? Then we have the church for you!"

Thought I'd upload a couple of photos we are thinking of using for the engagement announcement (God I was FAT!:

Photos courtesy of the Bev half of the HalBev.

And here is another awesome picture that I am totally in love with: of course it's an awful picture of me, but what else is new. I NEVER look good in pictures.

From left to right: Crystal, me, Renee-- Yeesh! Horrible picture!

Wedding planning and classes

2009-08-06T19:48:00.003-04:00

Today I finished my last class towards completing my Masters! I can't believe it.... I'm not looking forward to the enormous workload of the "Special Project." Why can't they call it something else? "special project" sounds stupid. I am thrilled to be done, and glad I busted it out this summer instead of waiting for spring...

We went camping a couple of weekends ago at Harold Parker State Forest in MA. It was a buggy, rainy, fun time. Up late with the kids toasting marchmellows and hot dogs (not at the same time) over the fire. We went to Salem and the Franklin Park Zoo in Boston. I think Southwick's Zoo is better, but it was a cool zoo. Of course it was ridiculously hot and humid...

I'm not exactly sure what Jessie is doing in this picture, but this is my fam at the zoo. We are near the lion enclosure, and Jessie is very excited about the video she just shot on her cell phone. Shawn is not smiling- as per usual-- he hates smiling in pictures!

Wedding planning is occurring! Guest list issues already... I'm calling the UU church in New London tomorrow to see if we can do the wedding there, if not... I guess we'll do it at the reception site. March 20th is fast approaching! Looked at dresses... I found one I liked-- a strapless number. I know I was saying I would never wear a strapless wedding dress, but this one felt comfortable and I really liked it. Now I just have to lose twenty pounds! Thank God Maggie is there to talk me down when I get crazy ideas or panicky about the whole thing!

crazy happenings in the 'hood

2009-06-10T07:34:00.003-04:00

Here is a picture of Truman looking out the window at the Major Crimes vehicle. One of my neighbors was shot and killed by the police on Monday night. This picture was taken Tuesday morning. Apparently, the story is: Desjon (the neighbor) was "out of control" when his mother called the police-- the police responded to a domestic dispute. When they arrived, they tried unsuccessfully to restrain Desjon, who was, by some accounts, trying to injure people in the household. The police may or may not have used a taser on him, at which point, Desjon stabbed one of the police officers. The officer's partner then shot Desjon twice.
Here is what I can actually vouch for: I heard the cops announce their presence at the door of the unit across the street: "Waterford Police Department," they said. I got up to look out the window and saw two cop cars at number eight (which is right across the circle from me). Shawn gave me a look which spoke volumes: "you are being a nosy, disgusting voyeur," is the basic gist of the look he gave me. So I relunctantly got back in bed and started looking at his cigar catalog with him. Less than two minutes later, we heard two shots. I leapt to the window and then headed downstairs. Once I got downstairs, I heard someone yell something like "we got one down" or "officer down." I couldn't tell which. Very quickly after this, the amubulances and firetrucks and other cops started tearing into my street-- Our friend Martin came tearing down the road-- he's a volunteer firefighter. It didn't take long for all my neighbors to emerge from their homes-- things like this do not happen here in our neighborhood. Paramedics swarmed the house with the cops, and they brought out a cop who seemed to have something wrapped around his arm, and seemed to be moving and alert-- we were all relieved about this. I was concerned that the dog had been shot, but I haven't talked to anyone who has even seen the dog. A bit later, they brought Desjon out on a strtcher, he was begged with oxygen, and had a neck brace on. He did seem to be moving. The girlfriend (the daughter of the home owners-- she rents the place from her parents) was on the lawn for the next hour or so, sobbing, and her parents showed up to take their granddaughter out of the home. The granddaughter is between 7 and 10, and apparently slept through the entire incident.
We are all shocked by this, and no one is entirely certain how to feel. We have a very small, quiet neighborhood, full of families and children under the age of ten. The newspapers and tv stations have been crawling all over this story, and some of my neighbors have said irresponsible things about Desjon. I didn't feel this was useful at this time of tragedy for his family and for our neighbor-- his girlfriend.

Prom and student teaching and Fireballs

2009-06-07T10:53:00.004-04:00

So Jessie went to her Senior Prom last night! AND she was voted prom queen! She looked stunning! Looking at her pictures, is anyone surprised? She is really a beautiful girl!

We took pictures at her friend Lauren's house which had a gorgeous backdrop so the pictures are all very nice. We were very excited for her, her mom and dad were a little ambivalent because their baby is all grown up now. I was a little torn myself since she is off to college next year, and we won't see her as often, but she is a great young lady who understands the importance of family so I think we will still hear from her often.

I finished student teaching in Westbrook! I loved Westbrook, and the kids, and I miss them very much. I am planning on going to their graduation on the 23rd to watch my 22 seniors walk. It was a long, hard 10 weeks, but I enjoyed myself (when I wasn't losing my mind). 5 classes-- 3 sophomores; 2 seniors! It was worth the work.

Shawn and I are coordinating the silent auction for the fireball on July 4th so I am soliciting donations for that-- so far I've only scored one great item-- from Sunrose oils-- check them out on the web-- the owner is a very nice woman who is being very generous.

I have one class left for my MS-- History of the English Language which I am taking this summer, and then I have a lot of job hunting to do. I am looking forward to my career with high hopes for creating highly literate young adults!

my class

2009-02-03T20:10:00.002-05:00

So (I always start these with "so" don't I?) my class, EDU 490 is okay. I'm a little surprised I don't hate it since I have so much work to do. The class meets twice as often and runs half the time so I'm horribly rushed. But... Here is something I wrote for an assignment. It was a 15 minute deal, but I kinda like it.

Ovarian Lamentation
Carrie, song of joy, reflects the German background which gives me my coloring; my maternal grandfather’s history reflected for eternity in my name. Czerwinski. The ever-Polish, ever-ethnic display of my paternal grandfather’s origins. This name is who I am. It sounds like me and feels like me. When I hear it, it conjures my noble Germanic stock mixing with my salt of the earth Polish stock, and I am proud. Yet, I pause and take notice that the bearers of this line I call my own are not represented. My father’s mother, gone now, with her quiet pride and French carriage; her quick laugh and Native American cheekbones; her quirky sayings and her Canadian accent-- where is she? My mother’s mother, who I never met, living and starving in childhood, growing into a business woman in a man’s world, and suffering silently, rebelling unceasingly against an untimely death-- where is she? Gram Czerwinski, raised in an orphanage; fighting her way out of the lower class with her husband to give her son a better life than she had; choosing the brave way out of life-- where are you in this name of mine? Gram Kohl, who gives me this widow’s peak I shaved off in fourth grade; who loans me a figure a little too round for our thin-crazed culture (but just right for Eastern Europe); who insists from her grave, through my very DNA, that I crave music and that “song of joy” that my parents accidentally named me after. A world full of women created me, and a world full of men name me. And each generation inexorably loses those bearers of the fruit we call our ancestors.

student teaching

2009-01-28T19:03:00.002-05:00

So I'm closing in on the start date for my student teaching... Yikes. I wasn't really nervous until I walked into my English in the Secondary School class and we started talking about all the things that we felt we didn't know yet. Then it hit me: I don't have a clue what I'm doing! I think things will end up alright, and I'm still looking forward to it. Westbrook seems like a great school to do the student teaching at, and I think I'll enjoy working with Kathy and Nancy (my cooperating teachers) and hopefully I'll learn a lot too. I'm going down tomorrow for 8:15 to "interview" Kathy, and I may try to "interview" Nancy as well. While I'm there, I'm going to be observing one of Kathy's college prep classes-- I'm not sure if it's one that I'm going to take over or not yet-- I'll find out tomorrow.
Poor Truman! He hasn't been to the dog park in a couple of days because of the weather, and he's desperate to go! He is also very fuzzy because he's been getting wet in the rain and snow. Terribly cute.
Shawn and I went to dinner with Dylan last night, he's a little concerned about Anatomy and Organic which he has to take this semester because he's just not feeling motivated-- Do I know that feeling!

inauguration day

2009-01-20T12:07:00.002-05:00

I've watched the inauguration of our 44th president-- Barak Obama. I cannot express the thrill of pride that I felt during his swearing in. As I listen to his speech, I feel like a proud American for the first time in a long time. I feel like I could proudly go overseas and proclaim my nationality. I no longer feel like cowering under the shame of a country that tortures and believes in its own infallibilty. There are millions of people on the national mall today that obviously feel the same way. "the time has come to reaffirm our ... spirit." Yes.
The move toward equality took a huge shift today, and I cannot fathom the positive change this may make to our world.
"We must pick ourselves up, dust ourselves off, and begin the work of remaking America" he says of our path, and I cry tears of joy.

Holidays, Truman, Boston and School

2009-01-05T22:35:00.004-05:00

So, the new year is here and it feels an awful lot like the last year. The difference is, this year, I'm a lot closer to graduating. I'm in an IDS class right now, every night for three hours and fifteen minutes for a little more than a week. Tonight was the first night, and you know I had a horrific time getting registered. There was a ridiculous hold on my account from the library, then I didn't have permission to register-- it went on and on.

The holidays were really nice. Shawn and I got a Wii for Christmas and are currently getting very obsessive about cow racing. I did Thanksgiving at my Dad's at noonish, and then cooked here for Shawn's parents and Dylan and Jessie. It was a nice evening although I still can't manage to get everything on the table while it is still hot. We had an enormous turkey, and were eating it for a week and a half after. Christmas was chaotic but also nice. Dylan and Jessie came down in the evening to have dinner with us and "do" Christmas. Dylan got me a great booklight and a good book which I dug-- ues I already read it. Are you really surprised. I am looking forward to my IOU from Jessie-- it's a Montville t-shirt that I can wear to wrestling matches, and track meets in the spring. I asked for it specifically-- this way, Shawn can stop complaining when I steal his black sweatshirt to wear over my orange turtleneck.

New Year's was uneventful, we had bagels with lox after midnight, and had his parents and Dylan and Jessie down for dinner the next day (his birthday).

This weekend, I took Shawn to Boston for his birthday. We went to the Sam Adams Brewery and then Shawn got a massage at a spa called MELT. It was a nice place, and he enjoyed it. We stayed at Club Quarters which I'm not certain I would recommend. It wasn't bad, in fact the service was fantastic, but I'm not certain it is a hotel for a get away-- more business oriented. On Sunday, we walked down to Faneuil hall and Quincy Market and had a great breakfast at the Salty Dog-- how can you NOT go to the salty Dog? The breakfast was great-- HUGE pancakes and tasty eggs-- also had great coffee.

Truman is doing really well. He definitely knows we are his people now. He is such a trip! He just does all these quirky things that make me laugh. He also loves to snuggle! Today he went to the dog park and got F-I-L-T-H-Y. I mean really filthy. He only narrowly avoided a "tubby" which he does not like. Instead he got an extensive sponge bath in the downstairs bathroom. The dog park is a huge mud puddle right now so he will NOT be going tomorrow. Shawn will take him for a run instead.
We also got his DNA results back. From the largest amount to the smallest: Golden Retriever, Greyhound, Siberian Husky, and ... wait for it... Maltese. Hee hee hee. He is very embarassed by this fact, and doesn't want me telling people, luckily, he can't read.

Mondays and Westbrook

2008-11-10T14:03:00.002-05:00

It is Monday. I hate Mondays! Actually, I take it back, Mondays are fine, it is simply that Monday means that tomorrow is Tuesday and Tuesdays are the beginning of my three days of hell and insanity. So much work; so little time. Anyway, I'm struggling with my unit lesson plan decision. I can do my unit on Stargirl which means less work because I already have two lessons written, but I don't want to teach middle school so it wouldn't be useful again-- although I could give it to Mary Ann (this would be nice of me because she was so good to me during my observations and two lessons that I taught)-- or I can do my unit on i never promised you a rose garden which would be much more interesting for me, but would require more work. I'm really struggling with this decision!
Westbrook schools are going to interview me for a student teaching position-- I need to call them and make an appointment to interview-- Westbrook is my first choice because it is closest to me of all the schools Southern offers. It would be nice-- on school days, I'm half way to New Haven, and on non-school days, I'm only half an hour from home.
I gave CC a bath today and she got me good. I have some lovely scratches on my arms. It didn't help matters that the dog was right there and barking like a madman the whole time. He had a great time at the dog park yesterday (in spite of his muzzle). Libby held a birthday party for Layla her Australian Shepherd and invited "all of Layla's friends." Truman was as happy as a clam though we didn't try it without the "moozle" (moozle sounds better than muzzle). He is not at all vicious, it is simply that he has a tendency to become fixated on one dog,taking him or her down over and over, and he gets really excited and no one has fun. He stays much more calm with the moozle and can just run and romp. The only problem is that then people think he is mean and I have to keep taking it off him so he can pant while making him sit still.
Shawn talked to Dylan and Jessie, and they might be coming for breakfast tomorrow morning-- Shawn will be so disappointed by not being able to have waffles-- maybe I can soothe him with some healthy french toast made with wheat bread.

my journey with the diary

2008-11-07T09:26:00.002-05:00

A number of years ago, I found this 1934 diary at the Book Barn in Niantic-- for anyone who hasn't been there, you've got to go-- it was written in gorgeous old fountain pen with flowing script. The romance of it called to me as many pieces of the Archive call to historians and English majors alike. There is no immediate indication of the age, gender, or identity of the individual who wrote it, but nonetheless, it is fascinating. This enigmatic individual seems to live in Paris-- St. Germain for a couple of months, and may be a student there, he or she spends some time in a hospital being treated for God knows what, and takes drawing lessons and French lessons. This person then takes a couple of trips to other places like the US Embassy in Turkey where he or she talks about staying there, and "Aunt Nelly" and "Uncle Rob," followed by a trip to Athens and then back to the US by a luxury liner on which he or she meets and spends time with Irving Berlin! Finally he or she arrives in New York where he or she ends up seeking treatment for another (the same?) unknown illness at Harkness Pavillion-- a big name part of a large New York Hospital. During this period, there is a fascinating hint of the type of treatment this person is receiving. Holes being drilled in the persons cheekbone and abcesses being drained-- what is wrong with this individual. By the time I get to this part of the diary I feel that I know this person (even without having a clue who he or she is); I become concerned and scared for him or her. And then.... It ends. The handwriting gets progressively worse throughout the individual's stay in New York and then it just stops. No more entries. What happened?!?! I have needed to know for a long time now, and thanks to my Research Methods course, I may be on the verge of finding out.
Here are the steps I have taken to discover what I could:
1. In the diary there is a Card of Introduction from Robert Peet Skinner. Googled him. Discovered he is a pretty big deal among Ambassadors. During 1934 he was the Ambassador to Turkey.
2. Robert Peet Skinner was married to a woman named Helen Wales. The diary's author was refering to Aunt Nelly and Uncle Rob while staying at the embassy. Googled nicknames and found that Nelly is a derivative of Helen rarely used anymore. 1+1=2. Are Uncle Rob and Aunt Nelly the Ambassador and his wife?
3. There is a mention of Spring Hill Farm on the first page of the diary in a dream that is reported. Googled Spring Hill Farm-- there are thousands of them.
4. Author mentions Maine at the end of the diary and questions whether he or she should go there. Add in Maine to Google search re: Spring Hill Farm. Got three results that looked promising and called them. None are old enough to have been there in 1934.
5. Removed Maine, and added in Ohio which is mentioned once in the Diary. Got a result for a Spring Hill farm that had been a part of the underground railroad. Neat. It is in Massillon, Ohio.
6. Where did I see Ohio before? Where? Oh yes, when I googled Skinner, he was from Ohio....
7. Add in Skinner-- no results..... hmmm.
8. I look at the Skinner bio again and his wife is from Ohio as well (my author has to be related to one of them).
9. I google Spring Hill Farm + Ohio + Wales.... Bingo. The Wales family has owned Spring Hill Farm and Helen's father (I think) was a state senator. A fairly big family in the state-- Wales was a newspaper publisher, and there are streets named after the family.
10. I google Senator Wales. His wife's name is Arvine. Return to Introduction card-- handwritten note on it specifies it is for (I think-- it is in portuguese or italian) the "presenting and recommendation of your nephew- (something illegible) Arvine Wales. Arvine is a woman's name though.....

More soon, gotta take the dog to the dog park.

a new america

2008-11-05T11:51:00.002-05:00

So I planned on staying up late last night to see the election results, but as it turned out, I did not have to. At the moment the polls closed on the west coast, CNN projected that we had a new president and hence a brand new America. We have a black president. I am so happy. I am so proud of our country (not the very red states), and I really feel like I woke up this morning in a new era; perhaps an era of greater equality and color-blindness. This has changed me in a way I didn't anticipate and has surprised me greatly. I cried last night out of joy for our nation; out of the possibility of a new and better future for all of us. I also cried because Barack Obama's grandmother didn't live two days longer to see her grandson's and our country's greatest triumph.
I watched John McCain with respect and gratitude last night as he gave the most graceful and eloquent concession speech I have ever heard. (Sarah Palin looked like a jackass) I don't think there can be any doubt in anyone's mind that John McCain loves his country more than he loves his aspirations. I have always liked him (even without agreeing with him) and hopefully, my faith in him as a "maverick" will be rekindled now that he no longer has to pander to the conservative right (read: lunatic fringe). He really has been a maverick up until this election, and has done great things for our nation. I was very moved by his recognition of Obama's impact on the people of the nation. He said that the people of our country have spoken clearly and encouraged all of his supporters to get behind our new president. He also addressed the racism that we can't ignore in our country, and promised to work with Obama to get our country back on the right track-- somewhere in the last eight years I believe we took a detour into Oz or some other foreign place that I don't recognize. I have been feeling so down about our country for the last eight years, but I see the founding fathers smiling at the change we, as a nation, have implemented over night. Parents of black children can look their kids in the eyes and tell them honestly, for perhaps the first time, that they can be anything they want to be-- even president-- when they grow up. Isn't that the best present that we can offer our collective children: The promise of true equality and true opportunity not shadowed by ignorance and blind hatred?
What a day for me, and what a day for America.

Lots of stress, Truman is cute

2008-10-31T11:40:00.004-04:00

I have soooo much work to do! And it is all sooooo hard. Oy! I have three fairly big projects I'm working on for ONE class! And I got a B+ on my Chaucer paper-- not that it wasn't deserved, he made some good points about what he thought was wrong. I probably shouldn't complain, I didn't exactly give it my all. I didn't have time. That's what really stinks about this semester. I'm so overloaded with work in my other two classes that I don't have time to really get into Chaucer which I would love to do-- it's my favorite class, and I don't have the time to really focus on it. I'm ending up doing the absolute minimum that I can get away with just to keep up in the other two classes.

Anyway, here's a great video of Truman and the cat If you listen closely, you can hear him sing.

And a couple pictures of him dressed up for Halloween He is a truly excellent Bumblebee:

Lessons and elections

2008-10-21T17:14:00.004-04:00

I taught my first lesson today to an eighth grade class at the middle school. Allison's class. I think it went pretty well considering it was my first time in a classroom. The kids seemed to get into what we were doing and seemed to "get it." I think so because they were asking good questions-- questions that demonstrated that they were picking up parts of it. We'll see on Friday when they bring in their homework whether or not they really got it. One kid said "this was the best LA class ever!" on his way out. I was happy. I also really enjoyed it-- good thing I suppose.

I'm sick today, and have been for about a week. I'm avoiding the doctor because I'd probably get antibiotics. They are very useful for making you better and feel better quickly, but I'd prefer to avoid it if possible. Too many things mutate too quickly because of the overuse of antibiotics.

The election is creeping steadily closer and I am so worried. I am convinced that the people of America are secretly bigots and will change their vote once the curtain closes behind them. I worry that they'll vote for the "white guy" even though he is a pretty bad choice for the nation right now. The polls are slowly showing a closer and closer race. Today, Obama lost one point and McCain gained one. Still within the margin of error, but scary. Please let the people make the smart choice for once in the last eight years!

Shawn and I fixed the garbage disposal yesterday! Triumph! There was a screw jammed in the blade that stopped it from spinning. Once that was out-- voila-- spinning like mad.

Sandy told me that she took Lexi to Niantic beach andLexi SWAM! Yay Lexi! She does not swim at the house in the pool, so they thought she was just a wierdo. Turns out she loves it!
Papers to write, sleep to get, and a cold to get over.

praxis scores

2008-10-15T09:21:00.002-04:00

So I waited. And waited. And waited. 4 weeks went by and I tried to get my Praxis scores. They weren't available til yesterday. At 7:30 in the morning I tried to access them to find that they were not available until 5 pm. Fine. After class, I ran to the library, I needed some books for school anyway, and I got online and checked my scores. I PASSED!!! Both tests. The essay exam, I only got the high average score which surprised me a bit because (though I don't often demonstrate it here) I have a very strong writing ability. What did surprise me was that I blew the content knowledge test out of the water! I am apparently getting some sort of certificate because I placed within the top 15 percent of test takers (15 percent score a 190 or better-- I got a 195 out of 200). It is apparently quite the acheivement-- I will get a Recognition of Excellence letter and they will pass on the ROE info to all people who get my scores. What does that do for me? Probably nothing, but you can be damn sure I'll be putting it on my resumes when it is time.
Today I do the first of three observations in Mary Ann Hauser's class. Nest week, I teach my first lesson. I'm soooo excited. It turns out that I am observing and teaching Allison's class (see earlier posts to find pictures and mention of Allison-- Jim's neice). She begged me to alter the seating chart while I'm teaching! Very funny girl. I adore her.
More later-- crazy amounts of work, and I have to observe and go to the bank and the grocery store and put Truman in his crate. (SAD).

Truman and his new girlfriend

2008-10-08T13:29:00.002-04:00

Truman has a date today with his new girlfriend Lexi! Lexi is the Yellow Lab that Jim's parents adopted a few years ago. She is a buttercream-- I may have mentioned her at the time they got her-- I'll have to check. She is the sweetest dog-- very submissive and loving-- no Lexi kisses though because she doesn't give kisses! They are meeting at 2:15 so this is a short post-- gotta get to the bank first. Here's a new photo of Truman-- he didn't mind the sweatshirt at all after the first few seconds with it on. Gosh he's cute!

Truman goes to the vet (again)

2008-09-12T19:54:00.002-04:00

He had to get his Lyme booster. They weighed him, and he is up to 48.2 pounds! The vet today said that she thought he may be at or close to his ideal weight because she thinks he is a Saluki- Beagle cross. She said she didn't see any Lab in him whatsoever. Huh! I guess we'll wait for the DNA test to come back.
Tomorrow I take the Praxis II's. Both of them. What was I thinking?! Oh well. I can always take them again. I'm actually not nervous since the scores don't matter-- all you have to do is pass. I am just realizing how much I don't know! I missed alot of terminology by not being an english major as an undergrad, and barely remember the books I've read. I've been reading Sparknotes all week, and barely scratched the surface. Of course, I couldn't have planned this at a worse time-- School just started, and I had four papers/projects that were due this week plus a ton of reading for all of my classes including Chaucer which is in Middle English! Yikes. Wish me luck!

News about Truman

2008-09-11T18:32:00.002-04:00

So Truman has been around for a little more than two weeks now, and he is settling in just fine. We have only had one "accident" in the last week (knock on wood) and he is learning what the word "no" means. He is very cute, and an enormous love bug. He likes to snuggle, which is fine with me and my mom, and he likes to give kisses.
When I took him to Petco, a woman there suggested that he might be part Saluki (see the third picture down http://www.puppypoopy.com/suk3.html). Apparently, according to her, they can have two different color eyes like Truman does. His left eye isn't actually entirely a different color, just the top part of his left eye is blue. Anyway, looking up Salukis on the web, I see a lot of similarities between Truman and the descriptions and pictures of them. He is very quiet, he can run like the wind, and he has bonded very strongly with me. He also "sings" when we leave him alone-- at least I think that is the name for what he is doing-- I thought of it as whining.
He loves the dog park, and the other day, we took him to the Niantic Boardwalk beach. There was this HUGE chocolate lab there who kept going way out into the water to get the tennis ball her owner was throwing. Truman would run out until the water was chest deep and then stop dead and wait for her to come back with the ball. Finally, he got himself so worked up and excited that he went in after her and voila! He was swimming. He had a great time. He has a vet appointment tomorrow so we'll see if he's put on the five more pounds the vet wanted him to gain. Won't he be disappointed if he has gained a lot more and we cut his food back!
Class in 45 minutes so I have to go print out my papers-- I had three of them due today, and a student teaching meeting-- I'm losing my mind.

Truman adjustment

2008-08-31T11:53:00.004-04:00

Truman is adjusting, but I am exhausted! Puppies are a lot of work. The housetraining could be going better. He has pooped on the carpet a couple of times now, but I may have started to recognize his potty signs. I was able to get him outside twice when he actually had to go! He is a very sweet boy. He actually has a fabulous disposition-- he is not food aggressive and loves people. He plays like a crazy man but also will lay down and nap if no one is paying attention to him. I realize I have made a mistake with the crate training-- I need to bring his crate into the living room during the day and have him hang out in it while I hang out near him-- making him feel isolated by putting him in his crate and leaving him in there has convinced him that it is a bad place to be. OOPS!

Dylan moved into his dorm yesterday. I can't believe he is a freshman in college! What a very exciting time in his life. Shawn went up to help him move in and says that he has everything a college boy could possibly want and more. Jessie went too, but came back with Shawn to hang out with us for the day. She made a mousepad for my mom with a picture of Culver on it. She is so thoughtful and sweet. We took Bev and Hal to dinner at Captain Scott's to celebrate Bev's 70th birthday and had a nice time. We got Bev a gift certificate to Kiva.org for her birthday which she seemed to enjoy-- the are a microlender-- they do microloans ($25 minimum) to people all over the world who wouldn't normally be able to secure a loan-- like women with no credit history in developing nations. It is a wonderful cause, and I made Shawn make a small donation to them too (I didn't tell him that part yet-- I'm sure he'll find out when he checks his statement).

Truman

2008-08-13T18:46:00.003-04:00

Very excited about Truman. We got the contracts emailed to us today, and are looking them over before signing them and mailing them back. I also ordered Culver's pictures today-- the "urn" we got for him is made of oak and has a picture frame on the front-- I found a couple of very nice pictures that I cleaned up in photoshop.

Here are some pictures of Truman. He's pretty cute. And very silly looking.

Guilt

2008-08-12T19:22:00.002-04:00

So, my mother and I are rescuing a puppy from a high-kill shelter in LA. His name is Truman. He is somewhere between 8 and 10 months old. The quiet and loneliness finally got overwhelming. We both miss Culver so much, and needed to fill the void he left in our lives. We took one look at Truman's photo, and that was it-- we were head over heels in puppy love-- pun intended. The cats are going to flip.

So I'm feeling a bit guilty about "replacing" Culver so soon. I wonder if he is thinking that we have gotten over him and moved on too quickly. We haven't. The thing is, we realized how much joy he brought to our lives and want that joy back. We weren't goping to get a puppy, or a dog so soon, but we just saw him and his quirky grin, and that was it. We were done for. We got Culver's ashes back, and have a little temporary memorial set up on the coffee table. We plan to buy a stone and put it in the front yard where we can see it every day. People will proobably think that we are replacing him, but he is irreplaceable. Culver can't be matched, but maybe, giving back some of the love he gave us to this rescued puppy, we can be a little less sad, and in a little less pain.

Truman sure is cute. The rescue organization called our vet today, and, pending a passing grade on the home visit, Truman should be coming a week from Saturday. Wow. A puppy.

I love you Culver.

Playing with Wubbas in the sky

2008-08-04T10:58:00.006-04:00

Culver passed on peacefully Saturday afternoon around six. The rain had stopped and the sun had come back out to welcome him to the wonderful Wubba playground in the sky. We had him on my mom's bed, my mom was laying down with him and holding him, and I was sitting next to him giving him zerberts and petting him. The vet was incredibly good to us, including going all the way back to the clininc to get a tranquilizer to knock him out first. He really loved the peanut butter ice cream and the vanilla we gave him at the end.

We chose to have him cremated and his ashes returned to us in a lovely oak box with a frame on the front for a picture. I was surprised at how gentle and easy it was to see him pass. Shawn couldn't be in the room with us-- he says that he just felt like an intruder, but I think he finally realized that we were actually losing Culver. It is one of those things that is just not real for some people. It is really hard to accept and understand until that moment of goodbye is upon you. He said goodbye to Culver once the vet had administered the tranquilizer, and then left the room for my mother and I to have our last moments with our beloved dog.

He was always such a good boy. He did anything for us, and loved with the greatest capacity I have ever seen. I have learned a lot from him and I want to honor his memory by not forgetting the love he gave to those in his life. It is very quiet around without the jungling of his tags, and the clanking of them on the tiles in the hall, and quieter still without the one being who would listen to me talk for days without complaining. Unconditional love is such a rare and beautiful thing-- I am so glad we had him while we did.

I am broken without him, and my mother more so. He is missed and loved.

Here is one of the last photos of Culver. He is eating a little vanilla ice cream while we wait for the vet to come. As you can see, my mom is holding him and I am right there with him too. He was wearing his vest and going off like a good little soldier.

Dr. Washburn

2008-08-02T11:03:00.005-04:00

Above is a picture of Culver and Shawn taken this morning. We have been loving him and being with him through this terrible ordeal.

Dr. Washburn is the vet who saw Culver first; a little more than a week and a half ago. We called yesterday because he seemed to be doing a little better. We had the hope that perhaps he was going to have a remission of his symptoms, but the prednizone was making him so agitated that we wanted a mild sedative. She told us that if things went badly over the weekend, she would be working, and that she would be willing to come to the house to euthanize him. It was a good thing she made that offer because he is worse today.

He had a really good day yesterday, and I am really glad of that. He was comforted to be at home, and following all his normal routines-- he even ate his carrots at lunch and at bedtime from my mother's hand (quite an adroit feat considering he couldn't see them). He and I went for a nice slow walk and spent some time down in the back yard yesterday, and he had an egg mcmuffin for breakfast.

This morning, he is walking with his feet splayed apart, and he seems very weak. He is also demonstrating the head tilt that often accompanies meningitis. We decided (my mother more than I) that it was time, and he does seem to be telling us he is ready. He seems very calm, and at peace considering everything. Dr. Washburn is the only vet on duty today at VCA, and gets done with patients around four. She said she'd call us after that and let us know she was on her way. She is going to be bringing a tech with her so that we don't have to worry about anything. There is no cost for the euthanasia which is some small comfort-- you don't want a bill at a time like this. We are having him cremated, and his ashes returned to us-- we will choose an urn today when they get here.

The plan for today is to make him happy and comfortable, and let him know how much we love him. Shawn made him a pancake this morning, and is getting ready to go to the store to buy him some vanilla ice cream-- one of his favorites. (Shawn is also getting me some chocolate ice cream so I can deal with the whole thing!)

My poor Bean. He has been such a good dog, and has made my life much happier with his antics and mere presence. I am not certain how you say goodbye to your best friend when he doesn't understand what is going on. I know that if it were up to him, he'd suffer and be unhappy just to stay with us and try to comfort us, but thankfully, it isn't. We can make sure that he doesn't have to suffer and that he is at peace.

It is strange that I've felt the need to record this process here, but I worry that if I don't, I may forget some crucial piece of his life, and the many lessons I've learned about love in the past couple of days. Not many people will read this, and fewer will understand or care, but I'm comforted to know that Culver's life --all of it, even the end-- is out there for the world to see. He has earned my grief, and deserves nothing less than my honesty.

Below is a picture of my Bean taken yesterday. His eyes look funny because his pupils no longer dilate, but as you can see he was happy-- which was all we ever wanted for him.

Update

2008-08-01T08:28:00.002-04:00

Last night was the second longest night of my life. The first place prize goes to the night I sat with my grandmother in the hospital as she died of kidney failure. There is such a helplessness that goes along with another person's (dog's) suffering. Due to Culver's neurological failing, he is driven to move. He paced all night long and would cry a bit as well. I think we may have to put him to sleep today. He seems so agitated. If we could relieve his agitation, we would wait a little longer, just on the off chance that he could have a brief remission, which sometimes happens with GME-- usually very brief-- a matter of days. The poor dog hasn't slept at all, and is so confused by his blindness. He is doing very well in the house since he knows where everything is, but his quality of life is failing.

I just wish I could know what was going on for him. I don't want him to suffer, but what if he isn't suffering at all? What if he is feeling alright, and is making the crying sounds because of the brain mass and not because of pain. What if the mass is just pressing on the cry nerves like she thinks. Don't we want to give him as much happy time as possible? This is such a difficult decision and a heavy, grave responsibility.

Shawn has been very good the whole time. He took my mother to go pick up the dog last night, and has been very supportive. He came in from work the other day, took one look at my mother, and said do you need a hug? He gave her the first real hug she's had in a long time. I know she appreciated it.

I really love Culver.

I can't take it

2008-07-31T23:42:00.001-04:00

He is also terribly thirsty, and not sleeping. He just walks around and pants and looks for water. It is killing me to see him like this.

Sorrow

2008-07-31T23:22:00.003-04:00

My best friend in the world is laying in the other room dying. I am absolutely devastated. I feel like I'm falling through a void that has no bottom. I am grasping at all the branches that stick out of the sides but to no avail. None of them break my fall. I just keep falling.

My dog has been my best friend for 9 years now, ever since we got him. We took him to the vet what seems like weeks ago to find out why he was having such problems with his hind legs. They originally suggested that it was a degenerative muscular disease-- terminal, eventually. Two nights ago, we had to rush him to the emergency vet here in Montville-- VETS (veterinary emergency treatment services)-- because he was breathing poorly. They thought he was in congestive heart failure, and suggested that we transfer him immediately to Ocean State-- a high tech emergency facility in Warwick, Rhode Island. They told us that his heart looked fine, and it didn't seem like the muscular disorder! Hallelujah! Then they told us they wanted to do an MRI because they thought it might be a brain tumor. Oh God. Well, the MRI came back clear! Hallelujah! But then it might be meningitis-- treatable though! Except no, it isn't. After all is said and done, the radiologist said that he had a diffuse mass in his brain, and so the diagnosis is one of two things-- Lymphosarcoidosis (or something like that) or GME, a form of meningitis which is fatal. After reading up on it on the internet, I believe he has focal GME-- that type is consistant with the mass in his brain and his inflamation of the brain and spinal cord. Whichever thing it is, he is dying. He is disoriented and confused, and neurologically a mess. He stumbles and bumps into walls, he walks crooked because he doesn't know where his feet are, and he is making this crying/whining sound due to his condition. The vet doesn't think he is in pain, but we're drugging him just in case.

I'm thinking about the process of euthanization. How can we know when it is time? It would be so much easier if he seemed to be in pain, or seemed unhappy. He doesn't, he just seems different. I'm terribly sad and afraid about losing my best friend.

Edwards, Engagement, and Entropy

2008-01-22T13:22:00.000-05:00

So, I saw a poll this morning that said that 44% of Americans thought John Edwards won last night's debate. Good. The country, as a whole will not elect a woman, and Obama has too little experience to get elected. That leaves Edwards. If Obama or Clinton is the democratic nominee, we are sure to lose this upcoming election. 1-20-09 can be the end of an error if we can only vote for someone who is ELECTABLE!

I am loving being engaged. I am using very dramatic flourishes of my left hand to punctuate everything I say, and purposely blinding people with my "bling".

So, on to entropy. This country is falling apart. The market took a plummet even with a HUGE cut from the fed, and the middle clas is slowly slipping into poverty. Can we have much more disorder than this?

Is it October already?

2007-10-19T13:25:00.000-04:00

Wow! The year is flying by pretty soon it'll be November and soon after that .... Christmas? no. New Years? no. Hmmmmm..... Confused? I'm talking about the Democratic Primary! I've narrowed down the field to Bill Richardson and Dennis Kucinich (the eternal love of my life!). I always want to vote for Dennis because he is so unafraid to tell it like it is-- pro-gay marriage, anti-war, anti-republican etc! But on the other hand, I wonder if Bill could be the nominee. Unfortunately, I think it is going to be Hillary as the Democratic Nominee. I don't think America is ready to elect a woman. Isn't that sad? I have so little faith in the people of our nation. India has elected a woman, Pakistan has elected a woman, but I don't think we are ready to. I also do not think the country is ready to elect a black man. This is a very sad state for our society. Discrimination is alive and well in America. The only difference between today and fifty years ago is that discrimination-- sexism, racism, whatevver-- has become hidden and secret, and institutionalized. I think that is more dangerous in many ways than blatant, out-in-the-open discrimination.

school starts

2007-09-25T14:06:00.000-04:00

School has started, and my nose is back to the grindstone. Two courses this semester, but I'm going to have to go during intersession from now on to finish up in time. I was thinking about putting off my student teaching until my last semester. I think that I want to wait as long as possible. It is going to be a tough semester, and I think I'm going to have to not work at all while I do the student teaching. Technically, I'm going to be ready in the spring, but I think I'll be more prepared after my MA work is done......

I'm exhausted. This weekend, Diane didn't come in at all, and we had my cousin's wedding to go to in Long Island-- Brightwaters to be exact. I hadn't seen my two cousins in 15 years or more. Rob, the groom, and his younger brother, Ralph are adults now. I was amazed by how they had changed, but not really changed. Rob is a gorgeous man, I wish I had gotten that set of genes, and an English teacher (how strange), and Ralph is really tall, and handsome. He lives in D.C. and works for the Government. I recognized them both right away-- that is what I mean by they hadn't really changed-- their faces are the faces of my playmates from childhood, my only first cousins, my maternal family.

The wedding was very nice. It was held at my Uncle's house where Rob and his new bride live in the carriage house in the rear of the property. There was a short ceremony, and then the BBQ started. Two musicians provided the entertainment. They were both good, but the second one was an amazing cover artist. His covers were original and good. He seemed to really get the "intention" of the song he was covering. The food was catered by a local restaurant that Rob bar tended for while he earned his master's, and was really good-- succulent pulled pork, potato salad in a sour cream/ mayo base, and cupcakes for dessert. It was also open bar. Michelle, my mom and Shawn all took advantage of that while I drank coffee and soda.

It was great for my mother because there were all of these people who wanted to talk to her, who sought her out to share a conversation with. She got to see her best friend from High School, and some cousins and of course, her brother, sister-in-law, and two nephews.

As we left to head back home, I told my cousins not to let another 15 years go by before we saw each other again, and my cousin Ralph took my number. I hope he calls me. Other than my Aunt Helen, they are the only family I have on my mother's side. My eyes threatened to spill over as we said our goodbyes, especially with Rob and my Uncle. Rob was my age-- he is actually 9 months younger than I am-- so I always felt closer to him growing up, and we were more alike-- He's an english teacher for christ's sake! It would be nice to rebuild a relationship with my cousins again after all this time.

I may end up painting my house next week. Fun.

long time no post....

2007-08-22T12:38:00.000-04:00

So it has been, literally, months since my last post. What can I say.... I've been up to stuff. Just recently, I went camping at Wells State park in Sturbridge MA, and then went to Southwick's Zoo in Mendon. It was bug-gy but fun. Friday was an absolute disaster, it was pouring rain, and cold. I picked the kids up, and we drove to the campground. By the time we got the dining canopy and the tent up, we were soaked and frozen. Here is a picture of Jess and I at a CVS-- we were looking for ice, but they didn't have any. We both look loverly right?

At the Zoo, which I recommend highly, The kids got to ride an elephant, the man walking next to the elephant is the trainer's son-- the elephant has been with the trainer and her husband since she was 9 months old, and she is now 33. The trainer's son is 21. The elephant has been part of the family for longer than he has!

I came back from vacation, and had the annual PAIMI meeting-- I am now the chair of the PAIMI council, and will be a voting member on the P&A board. Whoo hoo.

Last Thursday, I left for D.C. -- god I love that city! This time, I made it to Eastern Market-- I hadn't been there before. It has such a young, eclectic vibe, and it really allowed me to experience the urban, hip flavor of the city. I also got to see a beautiful panda-- I took about 20 pictures of Pandas while I was there-- It was really too much. I love this picture at right, you can see how puffy she is and her reflection in the water. The other great thing I saw was some Orangutans on the "O Line". Once a day, for a four hour window, the Orangs are allowed to go from the "Think Tank" where they have a living area, to the Great Ape House where they also have a living area-- they get to choose where to spend the night, and might be at either location. On the day I visited the Zoo, they decided to go visiting at the Great Ape House, and so I saw them moving along the O Line. It was very exciting to see them climbing along. The male Orang had this really long hair that almost looked like dreads, and the female was much smaller. What was really interesting is that I always assume they have a strongly male dominated culture, but the door opened Friday morning and she was off, and she didn't even look back. He tagged along after her as you can see. It was really great.

more baby pictures and a tree falling in the woods that I didn't hear

2007-05-01T13:54:00.000-04:00

The kittens eyes have opened, and they all look a bit like Mr. Magoo. They are squinting at everything, and it is obvious that they aren't seeing very clearly. They are, nonetheless, completely adorable. The ducks are getting HUGE! We gave them fresh water this weekend, and they went absolutely bonkers! They were trying to swim in it, and just sitting in it enjoying it. They were being extraordinarily duck-like. There are baby frogs in the spring in back of Todd and Renee's. Well, okay, they are tadpoles-- same thing. There is a turkey behind my house in the woods that starts gobbling at about 6 and keeps it up until I get out of bed-- I'm not sure how he knows when I get up, but he seems to stop as soon as I give up on the idea of sleep.

So a tree fell on my car on Sunday. Alright, not really "on" my car. Todd was cutting down a tree in the yard, and when it fell, a branch broke, bounced up and hit my car. Shawn and I were walking the airline trail when it happened, and Todd looked a bit concerned when we got back. There is a bit of a ding on the door and a smidge of a ding on the roof. Todd has a body guy though, so I'm not very concerned about it getting fixed. I think he expected me to cry and flail. perhaps I should have-- It would have been very funny. That's all the news that's fit to print here for now... Pop and I went to Costco on Saturday, and I have a disaster preparedness conference this Saturday-- that's it though.

my favorite kind of baby pictures

2007-04-23T09:39:00.000-04:00

Todd and Renee's cat had her kittens on Thursday. Here is a picture of the three day old kittens. I got to hold a couple of them. They are so tiny and delicate! They mewed these tiny little mews at me, and were just these wiggley little sausages with legs. Mama cat was not thrilled with me ooohing and ahhhing over her babies, but she tolerated me. It was truly amazing!

Here is Dylan with a duckling. Todd and Renee are developing a veritable barnyard up there in Columbia. I think this duck thought Dylan was his (her? how do you tell?) mommy. Dylan was amused by the small warm critter that was so comfortable with him. When I took the duckling to hold it, it went bananas. It was quacking and quacking in distress. We ended up putting it down with his brothers and sisters because it was so unhappy. I guess I look like I'm going to eat him. He was very, very cute. This picture was taken on Good Friday-- they have gotten a lot bigger since then, and are getting ready to molt.

Excellent picture of my bean taken on Easter Sunday. He makes quite a lovely flower. He also looks tremendously put out by the whole thing. Don't worry-- he got a biscuit for his trouble. He wasn't complaining then.

He and I are going to the Petsmart 30th Birthday party on Wednesday night. I don't have class so we are going to go and have an excellent time. I know-- no life, but I'm still excited about it.

lovely quote

2007-03-27T12:12:00.000-04:00

Truly great madness cannot be achieved without significant intelligence.

Henrik Tikkanen

Isn't this lovely? I thought so. In other words, when I am feeling like a lunatic, I am comforted to know that I must also be brilliant. I have 2 papers due tomorrow night.... I haven't started them yet.... Haven't heard from Jim lately, although I guess that isn't very surprising. I would like to keep in touch with him, but that's probably not what he wants. I do miss him. He was my best friend for many years, but we are going different places in our lives-- I am looking for the middle-class family life, and he is not interested in that.

Shawn and I are doing well, he is a wonderful guy, and he makes me tremendously happy. He also thinks I'm brilliant which is a bonus-- I mean, I am brilliant, but people generally do not recognize it. This weekend, we drove up to Boston to watch Jessie wrestle in the Girl's All New England Championship. She won with no problem at all. It was a cake walk for her. This Thursday she and her mom are leaving for Michigan where she will compete in the nationals-- she was ranked 6th nationally last year in her weight class. Pretty cool chick.

Today, I am having major back spasms, and am about to scream because of them. I pulled something last night, and now I am in HELL!!!!!!! Cest la vie! I'll probably live.

Here's a picture of my goofy dog and the Mooch. My father got this little plaque for me that reads: "Warning: strange dog" which I feel is just so apt. Culver is strange-- pretty great though.

happiness and sadness

2007-03-22T12:36:00.000-04:00

Here is a photo of Shawn and I that I took. We are having a nice time together. He's the perfect balance to my periodically anti-social self and I'm the perfect balance to his neuroses....

Last weekend we went to Hartford with my Grandfather and went to Whole Foods supermarket. I love that place! They have a great cheese selection! The weekend before, my Pop and I went to Framingham, MA to the Trader Joe's there. Why you ask? Because it is the closest one to us that also sells wine. Between us, we bought a case of wine-- okay, Pop only bought two bottles, and I bought the other ten, but I figured I don't want to race back to MA soon! As it turns out, I paid 3-4 dollars a bottle, and they have all been good with the exception of one bottle which was just "alright". I was very pleasantly suprised. I should point out that I haven't opened all the bottles, and haven't finished all the ones I have opened-- lest anyone think I'm a big Lush...

This Saturday, Jessie is wrestling in the New England's. I am thinking about going with Shawn to watch, but after watching the ECC's my butt was sore for three days! If I don't go, I will be going to the Hygienic-- May has three pieces being shown at the second annual juried art show-- I didn't enter anything this year, I wasn't feeling inspired.

So my grandmother died three weeks ago today. I haven't quite figured out that she is dead yet. On a concious level, I get it, but I don't think it has sunk in yet. I have her diamond ring now, and I'm wearing it on my right hand as I type this-- I also got her favorite ratty, raggedy old red sweater. Those were the two things of hers that I really wanted. One of the reasons I haven't let it sink in yet is simply that I've been very worried about my grandfather-- although, he seems to be holding up pretty well. I helped him change the beneficiary on his life insurance and pension yesterday, and that was depressing, but it had to get done. I'll call him later to see what is what...

More when I'm feeling more chatty.

must be monday

2007-01-16T10:00:00.000-05:00

I know it is Tuesday, but I think I got lost somehow and it is actually Monday. I wanna go home and get back in bed. I'm eating chocolate.

Brynn and I went to the Bridal Expo at Foxwoods on Sunday-- I call it Barbies for adults. Y'know, we ladies loved our Barbie dolls, but eventually we grew up, and were to old to play with them anymore. Bridal Expos and Wedding magazines are a way of playing Barbies without the actual dolls. It was tres fun. I got a mini-massage, my nails were airbrushed, and I got a bouquet and a fruit basket. Very worth the admission.

Sis is flying in tomorrow. I can't wait to see her, and I know my grandparents will be glad to have her here.

goats

2007-01-11T11:13:00.000-05:00

Here are Lewis and Clark-- dwarf Nigerian something or other goats. I dressed them up for Christmas. They were not pleased. I was very pleased. They made me laugh.

stuff

2007-01-11T10:40:00.000-05:00

This is Shawn at Roaring Brook Nature Center. They have Birds of Prey there and are a Nature Preserve. There are many different types of animals to be seen, and not seen as the case was when we were there. This waterfall was a nice surprise. It was obviously handmade, but to the left, in the pond, there was evidence of some beaver activity-- a partial dam had been built. We went on New Year's Eve-- New Year's Day was his birthday but they were not open on the holiday. Shawn was very happy with his surprise, and said it was a magical place. I have to agree that there was a peaceful energy that hung over the whole area. That may have a lot to do with the fact that it was out in Canton-- In the middle of nowhere!

Today, I have an appointment for a facial with Sara (she is the best), and I was thinking this might have to be my last one for a while because of grad school and my money issues (tuition, books, gas, etc.) but I realized I can just downgrade to the "maintainance" facial which will save me 35 bucks. Shawn will be coming for dinner tonight and my mother and Michelle will harass him mercilessly. I'm amazed the poor guy doesn't refuse to come.

His kids have a meet on Saturday, and I'm thinking about going for a little while because, as much as I really am not into wrestling, I like to watch his daughter. She is quite the little ass-kicking brute! There is nothing quite like a little 100 pound girl beating the crap out of boys.

new stuff

2006-12-13T15:32:00.000-05:00

Here's a picture from the conference I went to last month. I went to the NARPA conference last month in Baltimore where I met some really cool people-- Especially John A and John B. So I've been seeing this guy-- Shawn. He's really nice. School is almost over, and I am totally overwhelmed. I got a B on my last paper. I don't get B's. I have a huge amount of work to do in the next week, and then I can collapse in a heaving sobbing mass. It can't stay away long enough, but it can't come soon enough either.

saturday

2006-11-11T07:04:00.000-05:00

It probably seems very early for me to be posting on a Saturday, but I had a horrible headache last night-- I would almost call it a migraine. Anyway, I laid down at about 9:30 to try and relax my neck muscles, in the hope that my headache would get better, and I woke up about 6 hours later. I went back to sleep for a couple of hours, and now I'm up again. I feel remarkably well rested for 7 am.

Jodi has a show at St. bernards today. I am thinking about going, but I'm not certain I will. I have a LOT of framing to do for the Hygienic's Holiday show. I have until the close of business Sunday to turn all 12 pieces in, and so far, I have done two. It takes a while to frame them up. The worst part is that I got those two done, but forgot to sign them! So I'm going to have to open them back up and do it all over again.

Baltimore is coming! I can't wait until Wednesday! I really liked NARPA last year-- unlike May who wasn't extraordinarily thrilled with it. Add in a trip to Baltimore-- the burial place of Edgar Allen Poe-- and I am happy as a clam!

School is school. Too much homework, and too uch grunt work. Somehow, I keep getting A's but I feel like I am treading water (and my arms are tired) rather than making headway.

great picture I took this weekend

2006-11-08T12:42:00.000-05:00

I got my new camera and committed myself to the holiday show at the Hygienic. I needed to get out and take some photos, and this was one I took while I was out and about. It's on Route 6 near Brooklyn (I don't remember exactly where). This is an actual undoctored photo. I promise. To the left is a package store, and to the right is a post office. I am so in love with this picture.

early.

2006-11-03T02:34:00.000-05:00

Well, I woke up about half an hour ago, and I am quite thoroughly awake at the moment. Goodness gracious, it's 2:30! Come on now. This just does not seem right. I was talking to Gene today, and he used the word "irrascible"-- I like that word quite a bit! I had most of the week off, although I had to go to work today (yesterday?). It was very nice and I got a lot of work done.

The cat is driving me up a wall right now. I s'pose that would be because it is "cat morning time". There is something about 2-3 am that really gets them going. CC is currently running around yowling at me and everything else in sight while jumping on and off of things (me, the keyboard, my laundry etc). She is being a lunatic cat, and I don't appreciate it. I am happy for her that she is in a good mood, but don't rub it in! I'm awake at 2:30, I don't need a tremendously happy cat in my face telling me how great it is to be alive!!!!!

oh lucky me

2006-10-30T06:02:00.000-05:00

So, I was looking forward to that extra hour of sleep this morning, but, as it turns out, I woke up an hour early. I slept like the dead last night though. That was a lovely change. I feel like a comercial for that prescription sleep aid-- the one with Lincoln and the groundhog. I ordered a new camera last night. It has a much better digital zoom than my old one, and more mps so I'm very excited about it. I'll have to let Brynn know, she's been looking for one that is relatively inexpensive. The one I got had really excellent customer reviews, and was only about a hundred bucks. Yay! I'll be taking pictures again! I've been missing it since mine crapped out on me.

I'm off to work this morning, but then I have Tuesday and Wednesday off. I'm hoping to get most of my Reading 565 project done and over with by the end of the week. That'll be a huge relief. If I can get that EDF paper done today, then I should be able to focus on that project (after I write the English paper that is due tomorrow that is).

fall back

2006-10-29T20:00:00.000-05:00

I am so tremendously happy that we fell back today! I keep looking at the clock, and realizing that it is still early. Tomorrow morning is going to rock.

Kate emailed me back, and tells me all the news. She is dating an older guy, her boys have really grown up-- the oldest is 12-- and she works for a mortgage broker. She also says that Tom and Rachel just bought a house in NC and are moving this week. I got his email, and sent him a note. I haven't talked to him in years! Anyway, she gave me her number so I'll probably call her. I'm looking forward to seeing her.

I'm on messenger with Pat right now; I haven't talked to him in a while either. The Hygienic is having a holiday show. I'm thinking about whether or not I can manage to get something ready for it while taking care of business.... I don't know.

Rick is out on Worker's Comp, and Sonya is out too. With Jodi at conferences, and half her time going to administrative crap, I'm left as the only advocate in the office. Yikes. Not thrilled to say the least.

last post i promise

2006-10-27T22:53:00.000-04:00

Life is funny. I was contemplating this last night. Alright, I was "meditating" on the the illusory quality of life. So much of what we experience on a day to day basis is subject to our own interpretation. Two people may share the same experience, but find that they have, essentially, had two different experiences. I have been trying to see events in my life (some more than others-- wouldn't it be nice) from an objective viewpoint. Being subjective can make certain experiences worse than they have to be, or better for that matter. The results of "traumatic" events may be "solvable" by focussing on the unbiased story of what occured. If you can replace the biased self-obsessed story with the story as it actually occured, can that change the psyche? I try to remember that there is no "self" in the terms that I understand. The self is another illusion that we cling to in an attempt to avoid what Sidartha refered to as "suffering", but in reality, it just leads to more suffering. How very philosophic I'm feeling.

May is trying to arrange a Samhain ritual for this weekend. I'm going to do it with her either Saturday or Sunday. I've decided that being here on the weekends is a pretty cool thing. I missed out on a lot of things by being in New Britain every weekend to the exclusion of all else.

PAIMI is sending me to Baltimore next month for the NARPA conference. The hotel looks EXCELLENT-- an all suite hotel on the waterfront! Besides I met some really cool people last year that I look forward to seeing again. I find the conferences intellectually stimulating, but the vacation is nice too.

small world

2006-10-27T22:41:00.000-04:00

I was in this store tonight that I don't usually go to, and I ran into this woman I sort of, kind of, vaguely know. Tracy was friends with an old, old boyfriend of mine from high school. I asked if she had seen or talked to his ex-wife, Kate, lately, and it turned out that she had. She couldn't remember what her username was on myspace, but thought it had princess in it. So I decided to check it out. Sure enough, she is on it! Anyway, I emailed her. I am hoping she gets back to me. I don't know if she will, our friendship was a bit strained by her ex, and I just stopped talking to both of them to save my own sanity and to get that negative energy out of my life. We always got along really well, (or at least that is how I remember it). I guess we'll see. I'd really like to see her again.

Work is just tremendous fun as always, and I have way too much homework. I'm having trouble even thinking about it. Luckily, one of my assignments requires me to read a young adult fiction novel and do a (huge, gigantic, enormous) project on it. I'm allowing myself to do that part of the project right now. The rest of it will get done eventually-- it always does. Besides, I'm a professional procrastinator, I work best when the due date is nigh, and the psychopomps are cawing outside the window. Ahhhh..... Melodrama, my old friend.

2006-10-27T22:28:00.000-04:00

Here is a self portrait I did. I feel this way quite often! Especially lately with school and all of the chaotic(maybe a little quixotic as well?)shit I have going on.

holiday

2006-10-09T10:04:00.000-04:00

I slept nice and late this morning. I love paid holidays. I am finishing up a paper this morning, and making a handout for my my english class. Too much to do....

My dad is here, he came in on Saturday. I'm going to be able to spend some time with him this week which will be nice.

On Saturday, May and I went to the Rennaissance Faire in Hebron. I got a handflower (or a slave bracelet) finally, it is pewter, and I love it! I've been looking for one for a while, and found one I really liked. This coming weekend is the Wolf Den pow wow. May says it is the best one so I am looking forward to it.

Good lord what is North Korea doing? All we need is for our fearless leader to drag us into something over there too.

school, school, school

2006-10-05T21:59:00.000-04:00

I am working on this attrocious group project right now. I have to have my piece emailed out to the rest of the group by Saturday 9 am. I then have approximately 48 hours to make a handout of some sort to illustrate what I am trying to say. What the hell am I trying to say? I don't even know at this point. I'm waiting for one of my professors to email me back, I had a big question about the HUGE project that I'm working on for his class. I am also trying to finish the book "The She" by Carol Plum-Ucci so I can write a paper about it including crap like Readability, grade level it is written at etc.....

If I can get through next Tuesday without losing my mind I will be okay for probably another two weeks. I really had no idea how much work was involved in this MA thing. I knew it was a lot of work, but I couldn't even conceive of how much there truly was. On the bright side, my brain feels very competant and useful. It is also being very creative, and I am doing much better in my writing because I have the added confidence of being the "English Major". The class I am taking on Teaching Writing has actually really made a huge difference. Here's the piece I just got back. It was actually a three part deal with a draft, a final draft, and then a paragraph on how I wrote it. I got an "A" thank you very much!

It was a dark night on the plains when the horse sped across the countryside. The moon was barely visible behind the thick mass of clouds that covered the land like a shroud. As the horse barreled around a curve in the path, he came upon the largest black bear he had ever seen. The monstrous creature stood more than six feet tall and smelled of rank, fecund wilderness. The horse barely stopped in time, and almost fell in his attempt to avoid the seemingly unavoidable collision.
“Whoa! You scared me,” said the horse in a voice that was still shaking from terror.
“Scared you?” the bear asked, “you’re lucky I didn’t eat you”
The horse’s eyes were wide and shone like marble in the faint moonlight. “You wouldn’t” he replied, “after all, my sister is your brother’s wife.”
Just then, the ground began to buck and heave beneath them. The earth started to rumble; a sound, low and deep, like the growling of a wild wolf. One instant the ground is solid beneath them, and the next, it is rent in two as a gaping maw of earth opens to feed.
Instantly, everything is as it was with the exception of the pit in front of the bear where his brother-in-law had stood only a moment before. “Let me throw you a rope,” he cried into the black void at his feet.
From somewhere deep below the bear came a voice. “No,” it said. “I think you are going to need help. I’m too heavy to pull up on your own. How about throwing me a light though?”
The moral of this fable is, sometimes fate intervenes to show you who your friends are.

Anyway, just what you all wanted, more of Carrie's Pretentious Crap!

digital media

2006-10-02T18:15:00.000-04:00

So here is my first foray into the "art" of digital media. I haven't quite gotten the hang of it yet, but I was fairly pleased with my first piece. Can't wait to get out and get some pictures so I can do some more!

antique show!

2006-10-01T16:06:00.000-04:00

I met May at the Lebanon Antique Show yesterday. She and Jodi were right! It was really the best. I got a couple of pictures of Jerusalem from circa 1900, when it was still Palestine. I'll ask May what they are called; I can't, for the life of me, remember. I also picked up this cheap copper bracelet that needs to be cleaned, but I really liked it. The thing is really a piece of crap, but I just loved it!

After the show, I zipped down the road to May's, and she gave me a photoshop tutorial. I'm going to spend today alternately doing homework and playing with Photoshop. While I was there, she gave me a ... What's it called May? Anyway, It's fossilized coral.

At the Show, we saw Kevin Ryan and the Rep from the Ashford area. May sweet talked the Rep into giving us these two very cool antique voting documents for our office. We're going to have to send him a receipt and a thank you, as well as an invite to the open house I'm throwing together for the 20th of the month. It'll be interesting to see if I can do it.

Off to do some heavy duty reading, and play with photoshop.

the weekend again

2006-09-30T09:31:00.000-04:00

Saturday is here, and I have so much work to do that it feels like a Monday. I'm going to the Lebanon Antiques show with May today, but I have to try to get a bunch of work done first. I've never been to this one before, May and Jodi go every year, but I've always been at Jim's so I could never go.

So yes, if you were wondering, Jim and I are having a "time-out" as it were. We agreed to talk after my semester is over and see where we are then. I miss him already. Well, at least I have all that frickin' homework to keep me busy!

I truly have never seen so much work in my entire life. The worst part is that I haven't been able to get one of my books yet because it hasn't come in to the bookstore yet, but the teacher just keeps assigning reading from it. There are about three other kids who haven't gotten it yet and we just kind of sit there looking dazed. Welcome to grad school Carrie. They expect you to just get the information somehow. It's your problem not theirs.

Tomorrow, as long as the rain isn't too bad, I'm going to the CT Rennaisance Faire. Brynn might go, and May and Sonya. Brynn is doing respite work on the weekends now so she wouldn't get there until late if she goes at all, but I love that Faire so I hope I can get there.

Gotta finish my coffee and get to work.

saturday

2006-09-09T08:09:00.000-04:00

I can't believe I'm up already. I got about 3 hours of sleep last night and am exhausted, but can't sleep at all. I don't really know why; I guess I just have too much going on in my brain for it to let me sleep. I wish it would just shut up for half an hour so I could get some sleep!

I'm going to see Jim today. I plan on retrieving my pictures from the show at the Hygienic-- I'm gonna sell them online. I just decided I want them back. There is some hope that he isn't going to be too peeved about it. I guess we'll see.

I was asked "why" re the "preciousblogger" thing. I don't have a fantastic answer; that requires a little more soul searching than I want to do at this time on a Saturday morning when I should still be curled up in bed. So without the benefit of the morning coffee, or a psych degree here's what I've come up with:

So I ran faster
But it caught me here
Yes my loyalties turned
Like my ankle
In the seventh grade
Running after billy
Running after the rain

These precious things
Let them bleed
Let them wash away
These precious things
Let them break their hold over me

He said youre really an ugly girl
But I like the way you play
And I died
But I thanked him
Can you believe that
Sick sick
Holding on to his picture
Dressing up every day
I wanna smash the faces
Of those beautiful boys
Those christian boys
So you can make me cum
That doesnt make you jesus

I remember
Yes in my peach party dress
No one dared
No one cared
To tell me where the pretty girls are
Those demigods
With their nine-inch nails and little fascist panties tucked inside the heart of every nice girl

Precious ...
Precious ...

Why do I relate to this song? Lord only knows. Maybe some sort of masochistic, melodramatic thing. Nonetheless, I do. So, I s'pose in some ways I am hoping that all the "precious things" in my past will wash away. Oh, thank God! I'm getting tired now. Maybe I can get some sleep!

May's self portrait

2006-09-08T21:52:00.000-04:00

May did this self portrait, and I absolutely love it. She was thinking about submitting it to the Hygienic for an upcoming show they are having about surviving Breast Cancer. May wants to put it in so people don't forget that too many women aren't surviving. Like her. Ultimately, Stage 4, Metastatic Breast Cancer is a terminal illness, and it is going to kill her. I think that she should submit it.

what is new

2006-09-08T21:23:00.000-04:00

I know it has been a long time since I posted, but I got sidetracked with some other things going on in my life. Most notably, I am now the office pariah! I am flattered by the idea that they all conceive of me as an evil genius, but on the other hand, I think it raises their expectations too high. Actually, it is Victoriah's fault. She and Carolyn went to a bunch of my co-workers and told them that I took the missing Flea market checks in order to set Carolyn up to be fired. Sadly, no one looked at the calendar when they came up with this idea. I applaud them. It is certainly creative, and hey defend yourself anyway you see fit-- it is you who has to live with it-- but for christ's sake, at least make sure no one can DISPROVE your story. As it turns out, I was at the NDRN conference in Virginia when they went missing. Needless to say, there is going to be some negotiating going on between Carrie and the Board of Directors. I have to call my "secret legal advisor" (actually, I just don't think she'd appreciate me putting her name in this) and ask her what is a reasonable settlement. She'll be pleased it went smoothly for me.

Carolyn has resigned. I don't know how I feel about that. On the one hand she was telling everyone and their brother that it was all my fault, and that I was the devil incarnate, on the other, until she fucked me like that, I liked Carolyn.

So one of my old consumers called me yesterday and dropped a huge bomb on me. May Volkman died on Wednesday. She had cancer. People have a hard time getting it when I say "she was my aprn". The relationship we had was very complex. She called me for advice and made referals to me, she trusted me to know what was right for me, and I have known her for about 13 years now. I am really going to miss her. She was a phenomenon in her field, and meant the world to her patients.

The other reason this news hit me so hard is that Sonya wasn't really thinking when she told me the news. She said "May died last night" and I think my heart paused in its beating for a moment because I thought she meant my May. I had a moment where I just did not have any idea what to do, and I was completely frozen, hell, my life was frozen. I wanted to run, I wanted to cry (we know Carrie doesn't do that). In the end I wanted to punch Sonya because she had been so thoughtless, but she can't really be blamed, she didn't get the mistake she had made. I realized very quickly that she was talking about May Volkman, but that moment.... It made me think about.... things.

I don't want May to die. I think May probably wants that even less than I do, but I only have my perspective to focus on. Besides, when we are alone at night, in the dark, and the wind is blowing and your mortality is staring you in the face and daring you "think about me", that's what we all really focus on. What does this mean for me? What am I going to do? What will happen to me now? Wow! I am in a tremendous mood tonight!

Actually, things are looking a bit brighter. I start classes on Monday, and holy shit, what was I thinking doing 9 credits? I must be insane... Oh yeah, forgot. I am never going to see the light of day again! I am going to be trapped under the 14 books I had to buy! I will have to get myself a pickaxe and some climbing gear so I can drag myself to the summit. Hey, the queen of melodrama has returned kids!

and pics

2006-06-18T11:20:00.000-04:00

pics

2006-06-18T11:08:00.000-04:00

vegas baby!

2006-06-10T22:14:00.000-04:00

Vegas was great! I have absolutely nothing to complain about! The hotel was great. We stayed at the Rio all Suites Hotel and Casino-- they aren't kidding. The rooms were huge-- 600 square feet. They were also well appointed. We went to the Palms, and saw the tattoo shop that is featured on A&E's "Inked". It was awesome-- I almost got one as a souvenier! While we were ther, we also went to The Secret Garden at the Mirage. Poor Roy-- mauled by one of his white tigers! It was quite incredible. You are very close to these phenomenal creatures! White lions, white tigers, and Dolphins! In fact, while we were there, the dolphins decided to show off, and were leaping onto the deck around their pool-- they were about 6 feet away! They would leap onto the deck, and spin around in circles on their stomachs, and slip back into the pool. It was amazing, and very funny. How very human they were while playing and showing off for us. Yes, I do have pictures, but, as always, I can't upload them from here. We also went to Freemont street which was gaudy in the extreme! I loved it!

I leave in approximately 12 hours for the airport again, so I'm going to make this short. I need to get to bed-- we had an overnight flight back and didn't get back to Jim's until almost 10 this morning. The flight was delayed, and then with the time difference-- do I have to go on in order to explain why I'm exhausted?

ah vacation

2006-06-04T15:13:00.000-04:00

Okay, this is my last post before I embark on my exciting adventure to Las Vegas. Orbitz just called me, and our flight is scheduled to leave on time, and everything is set. Jim is out getting us lunch at Subway because he doesn't have any food left in his fridge. Stinky was content to be sleeping on the floor of my mother's closet when I left. She is going to stay there while we are away.

So Jim and I are having a party to celebrate my "descent into poverty" on July 8th. Should be fun! Chrissy and I were laughing last night over the phone. I told her that they have to bring me a copy of one of their favorite books-- preferably used, and she said "well I guess that counts any of Steve's books out then". Of course it's because Steve doesn't read anything that doesn't have to do with basketball...

Leaving shortly. Very excited. I'll post when we get back-- next Saturday!!!!!

holy crap

2006-06-02T20:52:00.000-04:00

So I got the details on my trip to NDRN (formerly NAPAS). I'm booked into the Hilton Alexandria Mark Center. I just took the "tour". It is incredible! What a difference from that craptastic joint in DC where we stayed for NCIL! Indoor/outdoor pool, beautiful rooms, fitness center, business center.... oh, and it is next door to a botanical preserve so I can walk there. Oh boy, don't get your hopes up Carrie! P&A thinks it's going to cost them about 1,600 bucks for me to go to this thing. I can't wait. Carolyn spent about 600 for me to go to NCIL...

Sunday we leave for Vegas. God I love Vegas. It is so tacky and gaudy! Here's my Vegas analogy: It's like a woman who went crazy with her "Bedazzler".

I had my facial last night. Of course it was mahvelous! Sarah rocks! She did my eyebrows for me too and they look great. She gave me some really bad news though! Apparently, Utopia may not have spa services when it moves to the new location. I think I might cry. What will I do without those fabulous facials?! Oy.

Saw Robin B today at the high school and she told me that they are looking into some sort of ILST program for next year. Cooking, shopping and entreprenurial skills. We could totally do that for them, but I think she is looking for curriculum (what is the plural of that word?). I'll do what I can to help though. Saw Colin while I was there-- I wanted him to hang up my flier for the ASL class. He is so damn nice! Just once I want to hear him say something really nasty about someone. That would make me happy.

So I'm trying to call my uncle. I haven't seen him since I graduated from high school, and have only talked to him once. That is 14 years by the way. I want to get in touch with my cousin Robbie. He teaches at a Catholic school in Bayshore. I always really liked him. He was the cool cousin to hang out with. I remember when our great-grandmother, Nanny, died. We were only about 10 or 12 (we're the same age), and we were daring each other to go and touch her. She was very orange.... We also convinced Ralphie (the younger cousin) that he had killed her. Good times.... I'm having a psychological issue about this. I really don't want to call my uncle. He has basically cut my mother out of his life since her accident, and I don't want to have anything to do with him, but if I want to talk to my cousin, I'm gonna have to suck it up. I guess I'm also hurt by his abandonment. He always used to tell me that I was his favorite niece, because I was his sister's child. His wife's sibling's children weren't his blood relatives. When he bailed on us, it was sort of like it was our fault. Like we had something to be ashamed of. We didn't. I know that now, but I can't forgive him for it.

Two days til Vegas. Stinky is coming tomorrow. My cats will be happy.

the most bizarre true story I have

2006-05-30T21:24:00.000-04:00

So, Sonya comes into my office this afternoon and says "Carrie? Can you come here?" with this strange tone in her voice and a weirder look on her face. I became immediately concerned and got up to follow her. As I follow her through the reception area she says "I know I'm not crazy, but I saw something fall out of the sky". Huh? So we walk outside, and she points to the "something". It is a fish. She was walking back to the office minding her own business when she catches something in her peripheral vision, and hears a plop. And yes. It was a very large Rainbow Trout which had come tumbling out of the sky to land in our parking lot.

Brynn took it home and ate it.

What we figured out is that it was probably caught by an Osprey (May has seen them in the Yantic River next to the office), and then it wriggled until the bird dropped it. It was still cold and wet from the river, and was bleeding from what may have been a talon hole in it's side. Or a beak hole..... I don't know from Osprey. Poor Sonya. She announced that she was not wearing her glasses anymore.

Our PPT went well. I didn't say a word, and I let Sonya do it all. She made some mistakes, and didn't say everything I would have said, but she did well, and the kid is getting an outplacement.

marches and museums

2006-05-25T20:10:00.000-04:00

The march on Wednesday was utterly useless and stupid. I may only feel that way because I was busy having food poisoning. Yes. You heard me. Food poisoning. I can't begin to express to you how happy I was to get home this morning! My cats, my bed, my bed, my bed, my iPod, did I mention my bed? I truly feel that the march made no significant impact on anyone. The rally was also fairly uninspiring. I thought the purpose of a rally was to inspire people to take action and get involved. The purpose of this one was to make us suffer without a bathroom.

I did make it to 3 museums-- American History, Natural History and the best of all-- the American Indian Museum. I picked up a cool pair of earings for my mom there. I also bought a really fantastic long sleeved t-shirt. It is just a plain old Smithsonian t-shirt, but it looks great. I know! Pictures. I haven't been to work yet! Tomorrow, I have to fill out my reimbursement form, respond to the dept of ed's email, and then have lunch with May and Jodi, and then it is off to Quaker Hill!

I got my letter of acceptance from Southern today! Good for me! Only problem: I have to prove that I was vaccinated against measles before I can register for classes! I don't think I can prove that.... There was some hint that I may be able to have a blood test to prove it, but if not..... Maybe UCONN can help me out there.

I am so glad to be home!

bad conferences and bad food

2006-05-23T18:20:00.000-04:00

So here I am in Washington D.C. at the NCIL conference. It is just plain bad. The workshops are stupid, the exhibitors are pretty useless (with the exception of ILRU) and the food today was terrible. Sonya was actually sick this afternoon from it. They were trying to do some sort of Tabouleh thing with the vegetarian meal and the chicken in the regular meal was dried like it had been in a dehydrator for a week.

We lost Carolyn last night for a while. That was interesting. On the other hand, it proved my point that I made to Dawn when I said that I didn't want Carolyn's safety and security to be my responsibility. Of course she went on at length about how it wouldn't be, and that I was being irrational.... Methinks the bitch doth protest too much. The nice bit was when she had to have Marc G call me to get Carolyn back to the hotel. How's that for I told you so you ignorant..... ignoramous. (I'm not feeling particularly imaginative today.)

I went to the Smithsonian museums of Natural History and American History today. I picked up a little thing for my father for father's day, and saw Emmit Otter's puppet. I'll post some pictures when I get back home, the business center doesn't seem to have USB ports on these computers.....

I can't wait to get home.

The two good things about the conference: 1) Sen. Tom Harkin spoke at the awards luncheon today (I have pictures of that too), and 2) Yoshika Dart spoke as well. I can't think of any others..... Oh yeah-- there's a Starbucks everywhere you go.

We had some incredible chaos getting here, but I really need to get something partially edible into my stomach right now. I'll fill you in when I get back.

springfest, babies, and ppt's

2006-05-21T10:59:00.000-04:00

Springfest was Friday Night at Ocean Beach. It was very cold, but they had set up a tent around the Pavillion so that it kept out the wind. There was chili and alcohol gallore. I was driving so not so much the second one for me. THere were beers that I had never heard of-- this one was a caffeine beer. I don't drink it so Jim and Steve are the opinion people on this: they said it was pretty good. They also said that they had expected it to be really bitter but it wasn't. Is that a vote of thumbs up? There was one thing I really enjoyed; the pear cider I believe the name of the brand is "NV". They gave me a t-shirt and that is what it says. It is supposed to be in local package stores in three weeks-- very cool bottle with a really great picture on it. Also, I need to say that "S-car-go" won the chili contest hands down. No one else even came close in my opinion. I also thought that the chili that "Timothy's" brought was wretched! The guy can make a hell of a Lobster Bisque, but he should stay away from the chili.

Steve's baby is going to be a boy! I'm amazed. I was certain that, with all those men in his house growing up and the torment his mother experienced with them, he was doomed to have lots of girls. Apparently, the doctor was fairly certain at the ultrasound. Steve is on cloud nine. We were talking names Friday night. I'll be amused to see what he does this time considering what he did to the other one. It is really strange to see STEVE so excited about another baby. It was stranger the first time though I suppose. Steve never seemed very excited by the idea of fatherhood. He is a really good dad though, and I'm happy for him.

The ppt I had on Friday went well, but I did not make new friends. I scared one of the women, and the others just hated me. Cest la vie-- it isn't a popularity contest. If they loved me when I left I wouldn't be doing my job correctly. I think I made some good progress on acheiving my ultimate goals on this one. We'll see where Sonya can take it. I'm worried that she'll be too much of a push over..... I just hope no one makes the connection to my mom. I would hate to see her pay for the way I do my job.

I leave for Washington tonight. It is going to be a long trip. Oh well, I have more than an hour each day for lunch, so I'm thinking about escaping to the Smithsonians during that time. We're only 2 blocks away. I can always get a cab. Olives here I come. Have one of your vanilla bean souffles waiting!

warranties and dryers and aunts

2006-05-17T21:33:00.000-04:00

I am patting myself on the back this week for having added the warranty for my car when I bought it. Over 600 bucks worth of work ended up costing 200. They replaced the starter, the battery, some gasket and the oil pan. They also changed my oil and did some routine maintenance on it. I was sweating that quite a bit. I'm already coming up REALLY short on my tuition (like 1700 dollars short!) and I really couldn't afford to pay for more work.

I fixed our dryer again today. I had to disassemble the whole damn thing but I think it is working now. I enjoy stuff like that, and somehow, the way things work sort of makes sense to me. We could not have afforded a new dryer.

My Aunt Helen is flying in tomorrow to stay here while I go away. NCIL starts Sunday in Washington, and then on June 5th, it's off to Vegas baby! Then of course back to Washington for NDRN. Poor Sonya! She tried to get Carolyn to get her a room of her own by making up a story about her medications and other stuff, and instead, she got put into a room WITH Carolyn! I'm now rooming with Cleo. Sonya is thinking about not going now. I hope she goes. It would be too bad if she had to miss it because she is uncomfortable with the things Carolyn asks her to do.

tag, you're it

2006-05-13T19:07:00.000-04:00

I'm it? okay. Apparently there is this thing called "tagging", and I am its most recent victim. May tagged me the other day, and she explained that I need to answer the questions she has on her blog.... Here it is:

5 things that are in my fridge: green peppers, salsa, fat free coffee creamer, hot mustard packets from the last time I had chinese food, and a urine specimen (ewww)

5 things in my closet: (which closet?) a really great red dress, too many shoes, a huge, 20 lb. bible with color plates published in 1856 (very cool), a puffy cat, and a softball

5 items in my purse: (this is where things could get weird) a specimen cup for my dog's poo, a photo I tore out of a magazine of how I'm thinking of cutting my hair, some unidentifiable keys, a planner from 2005, lots of Splenda packets

5 things in my car: (I'm lucky to answer this after cleaning it out to go to the garage) a yoga mat, my palm pilot (crap-- I kinda need that), a pair of shoes (they are everywhere), a roll of polyester batting, and a Cirque du Soleil CD!

I'm supposed to come up with five people to tag now huh? I'm going to have to think about that. I don't know five bloggers. Can I tag May again?